An Explosion in the Panda Population

Item #: SCP-XXXX-J

Object Class: Safe Thaumiel

Special Containment Procedures: Due to the nature of SCP-XXXX-J, accidental discovery of its effects has been deemed extremely unlikely. MTF Psi-13 ("A Panda Walks Into A Club") has been tasked with keeping the population of the giant panda at low rates, through the defunding of preservation assets, the sabotage of breeding programs, and lobbying for a world-wide ban on panda pornography1.

The Foundation has maintained a series of panda breeding centres, none of which may hold more than 350 pandas at anytime. If population rises above this number, one member of Psi-13 will be deployed with a steel bat chainsaw M1 Abrams Tank to immediately rectify the situation.

pandatest

SCP-XXXX-J testing in the South China Sea (see Cover-213 "North Korean Testing" for details.)

Description: SCP-XXXX-J is an anomaly that arises from the presence of at least 400 living giant pandas within a confined area no smaller than 500 meters. When such a condition arises, either naturally or artificially, all pandas within the area will explode with the approximate force of 68 megatons.

An increase in specimens past 400 appear to result in progressively larger explosions, at an an estimated rate of 2.5 x 10^-4 per additional panda.

After a 13-0 vote by the O5 Council, and the resulting mass resignations of all members of the Ethics Committee, SCP-XXXX-J has been reclassified from Euclid to Thaumiel to be used as a technically renewable weapons source.

Initial Testing Log

Foreword: Transcript of the conversation at the first testing attempt, between Psi-13 Captain Katarina Cruz and SCP-XXXX-J Head Researcher Cameron Barnes.

<Begin Log>

Cruz can be heard speaking with the helicopter pilot, before moving to sit across Barnes.

Cruz: Alright, we should be over the Chaos Insurgency headquarters in about ten minutes. Then we're blowing them all to hell.

Barnes does not speak. Miscellaneous panda noises can be heard in the background.

Cruz: Something wrong, Cam?

Barnes: It's nothing, it's just… when I went trick-or-treating for the first time, I wore a panda costume. I had a panda patterned blanket, a tiny eraser shaped like a panda, hell, I even asked for a panda for my sixth birthday.

Cruz: …And that's what started your perverse sexual attraction to pandas?

Barnes: What?! No, for god's sake! I was just trying to say I'm a huge fan of them! That's uh, actually why I went into biology. Wanted to study panda preservation. Went over for a semester to learn about how they're keeping the panda population up.

Cruz: Uh huh. Keep lying, panda-fucker.

Barnes: Anyways, I was just trying to say, that when Director Lycus told me I was going to finally be able to put a hundred thousand dollars of debt to work, and actually work with pandas, I was estatic. Finally, things were looking up for me after the whole mirror thing.

Cruz: Oh yeah, I remember that! Made me laugh so hard I almost busted a rib. You know they have a picture of you up on the breakroom mirror? They call it Dumfuck Barnes.

Barnes: Actually, it's Bumblefucker Barnes. Site Director sends me daily updates. "It's been six months, three weeks, and two days, and Bumblefucker Barnes still hasn't mistaken his mirror as an anomaly. 0-1 with the dumb face you made at Christmas. Also, I'm cutting your pay again." Stuff like that.

Even after all that though, I still-

The miscellaneous panda noises briefly increase in volume.

Cruz: Oh god, they're trying to reproduce!

The muffled impacts of a steel object are heard, along with the pained cries of a panda that end abruptly.

Barnes: …You do know pandas have a gestation period of three months, right?

Cruz: And now they can't. You're welcome.

Barnes appears to sigh.

Barnes: Anyways. Even after all that, I still had hope. Until I found myself on a helicopter next to someone clubbing pandas with a bat.

Cruz: Eh, it's not so bad. Kinda therapeutic, really. And with the maternity leave, it's really the icing on the cake.

Barnes: Wait, you get parental leave?

Cruz: Yeah, six months. Do you not?

Barnes: I don't even have coverage! First they took away dental, then they took away my pension, then they stabbed my paycheck and let it bleed-

A buzz can be heard in the background, and the sound of the pilot speaking.

Barnes: I made twenty five thousand a year before that fucking mirror. In San Francisco. I barely got by then, but now-

Cruz: Uh, you should probably strap yourself in-

Barnes: I stole a screwdriver so I could break into the vending machines, but no one ever stocks them because we can't let civilians onto the site

Cruz: Dude, we're like-

Barnes: Meanwhile, you're getting pampered to bash pandas over the head, and I have to bribe the janitors so I can sleep at my desk-

The cargo door opens. The helicopter's division of pandas, as well as a screaming Barnes, fall out of the helicopter.

A large explosion echoes.

Cruz: ….huh. Okay, wasn't expecting it to be that big.

A ringing sound is heard.

Cruz: Oh, hey command. So I got good news and bad news. The good news is, we blew up the island. The bad news is, we blew up the island. Like, all of it. I think we should've clubbed a few more pandas. Oh, and a researcher fell off into the explosion.

(pauses)

Huh? Nah, it's just Barnes. We're good.
(pauses)

Yeah. But anyways, we're probably gonna need a cover up for why there's a huge trench where the Northern Mariana Islands used to be.

<End Log>

Closing Notes: Due to the impracticality of human civilization following SCP-XXXX-J activation, the construction of a Thaumiel Class anomaly capable of enacting the Ganymede Protocol after each use is under consideration.

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