Carlbenic

If Carl was being honest with himself, he didn't think that would actually work.

He also had expected the afterlife to be more of a glorious place to behold, not a one-room office. An admittedly lavish office, however… the walls were made of a mix of bright orange and purple silk, the floor was near-pristine white shag carpet, and the desk was made of the shiniest rosewood Carl had ever seen; even shinier than the Library's bookshelves, he noticed.

It was fairly large for a room with only one desk. Carl wondered if this was God's office, and if he was intruding. His ascension was rather untimely, so Yahweh was probably out at the moment. If it was Yahweh's office, he was surprised the Creator Of All Things had such an… eccentric taste in interior design. Moving up to get a good look at the nameplate perched on the edge of the desk, Carl became confused.

"JALAKÅRA OF THE IMPENETRABLE, HOST AND BENEFACTOR TO MANKIND," the nameplate read. Carl briefly scoured his mind for any memory of a JALAKÅRA in his Applied Theology class, but he came up with a blank. This better not be the god of bureaucracy or something, Carl thought to himself as he circled around to the other side of the desk.

The expensive-looking desk was covered in dark-lavender papers that looked pretty damn bureaucratic, if Carl was being honest with himself. Carl also offhandedly noticed the chair was more of a regal-looking sofa, but he decided to turn his attention to the documents. Reading the four or five papers on top of the pile, Carl learned that this JALAKÅRA was a Deity-For-Hire that presided over a "Postmortem-Vector-44 'Corbenic'" owned by the 🌙🌙🌙 Initiative. Now, the 🌙🌙🌙 Initiative Carl had heard of, but he couldn't quite place from where. He was sure it wasn't from his Applied Theology class, which he was coming to realize might have been a colossal waste of his time. It could have been from one of the Library's books, but Carl felt he had seen something of their's before, not read about it…

Moving some of the top sheets of paper out of the way, Carl found his answer. He had been stargazing in Croatia back in the 90's for his Astronomy class. His teacher hadn't believed him when he'd told him, and Carl was absolutely he had seen it: a crab-shaped UFO with three, large crescent-moons on its side. And here its schematics were, right in front of him. On the back of the sheet was an overly-complicated explanation for what it did, and all Carl could glean from it was that it was designed to kill fascists. You'd think this was an ascended Essie P, 'cause this is some top-tier technobabble bullshit; what the hell's a Chronal Paradox Maintenance Anchor? Carl, after thinking on it a moment, decided to pocket the blueprints; you never know if the opportunity to loot a god's office will present itself again.

After sifting through and pocketing six more sheets of paper, Carl moved on to the desk's drawers. When he saw the four pairs of eyes looking back at him from the bigger-on-the-inside drawer's living room, he froze up.

A giant bearded spider. JALAKÅRA is a giant fucking bearded spider.

JALAKÅRA could move pretty quickly for a giant fucking bearded spider, too. In a mere two seconds, Carl was stuck to the office's rear-wall by eight globs of web-juice. He almost started freaking out when JALAKÅRA apportated out of the desk and into the office proper, but remembered his note card.

infinita potentia

At the thought, the index card he had stashed in his back pocket quickly shot out from behind him and started cutting the webs around him like a buzz-saw. JALAKÅRA froze where he was, and in a gravelly voice that suggested he had trouble speaking, he said, "What… is… that?"

As Carl was about to speak, the note card finished cutting the webs, and Carl fell to the ground in an undignified heap. He swiftly bounced back up - wouldn't do to appear like a softy in front of the god he was just robbing - and answered in his best 'I'm cool and you're not' voice, "A focus of infinite power. Why do you ask?"

One of JALAKÅRA's mandibles lashed out and shredded the card before Carl could even register it. JALAKÅRA then reached out and pushed a button on his desk before saying, "Security… come and… arrest… this fool."

Carl stared down at the pile of paper shreds with wide eyes. All those mental gymnastics for nothing!? And now I'm gonna get arrested for breaking and entering and petty theft. By a god. Fuck.

  • Carl gets ontokinesis from Carlist god that he unknowingly had awakened.
  • Brief fight; Carl loses
  • Carl gets summoned back to Earth by some Deer kids wanting infinite power
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