CODE NAME PADDY/LAUGHY
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rating: +4+x

FADE IN:

INT. SITE-19/MZL-1730 - DAY

In a darkened chamber within the depths of the former Site-19, DR LISLE NAISMITH is strapped to a chair before an antique television set which is the sole source of light — the room is cast in its dull-grey glow. We see DR. NAISMITH from the back. The television screen is monochrome, and is currently airing an old-timey commercial for a breakfast cereal: "Dr. Wondertainment's Choco-Wonder Explosion Marshmallow Bites". Animated children crunch down on the musical treat and smile widely.

CUT IN: Zoom shot of a multisegmented mechanical arm. It descends from a hidden hatch in the ceiling, holding within its claw an eye-dropper. It lowers before the face of DR. NAISMITH, whose eyelids can be seen to have been surgically removed. The claw deposits two drops into each of his eyes, and departs. The camera zooms out, allowing us to see the darkened room behind him, but keeps focused on Dr. NAISMITH's face.

A Big Band jazz tune plays on the television.

NARRATOR

(offscreen)
Hi there, boys and girls! The circus is in town, and Ol' Paddy taking the day off to enjoy the sights! I wonder if our dear friend can stay out of trouble today, so let's join him!

Calliope music plays over the television, laughter and indistinct conversation can be heard. This is drowned out by a knock at the door. The television goes silent.

PADDY

(offscreen)
Are you fucking serious right now?!

(screaming)

What?!

The shot refocuses. Behind DR. NAISMITH, the chamber door opens with a slam. Light spills in from the hallway, silhouetting the figure of BOBBLE THE CLOWN.

BOBBLE

(in a singsong voice)

Nick nack, Paddy-whack, how the hell are you!

INTERCUT CONVERSATION

The television screen is shown. It hosts a blank, monochrome backdrop. PADDY THE PELICAN stands at the foreground, wings akimbo, infuriated.

PADDY

I'm livid is 'how the hell I am', clown! Do you have any idea how long it took me to make the episode you're interrupting? I had to write the script, scout a setting, construct the set, round up all my actors, teach them their lines, the works! This shit doesn't happen overnight you rainbow nightmare!

BOBBLE enters the room and approaches the chair holding DR. NAISMITH.

BOBBLE

He-he! Paddy, Paddy, Paddy, relax! Just a — heh!— moment of your time. I've got a favor to ask.

Paddy begins jumping up and down, and gesticulates wildly.

PADDY

A favor? A favor?! You're barging into my room, in the middle of my show, and think that I'm going to just pull everything to a screeching halt just for you? Reap what you sow, shit-for-brains! Reap what you sow! I'm trying to entertain my audience and —

BOBBLE

Your audience? This man — ha HA! — right here?

Bobble withdraws a pistol. He holds it against the temple of DR NAISMITH.

BOBBLE

(continuing)

The one I delivered to you upon request, in my — hee hee — infinite generosity?

PADDY

No! Don't you dare!

BOBBLE pulls the trigger, eliciting the sound of a gunshot. PADDY shrieks. From within the gun comes a flag on a stick. "BANG!" is emblazoned across it.

PADDY wipes his brow.

PADDY

Whew!

BOBBLE waits a beat, then beats DR NAISMITH several times in the head with the butt of his pistol. He strikes him again and again, laughing maniacally all the while, until he breaks through DR NAISMITH's skull, exposing brain matter.

BOBBLE

Oopsie! The Bobble giveth, the Bobble — HA! — taketh away. Looks like your schedule is cleared.

BOBBLE points the gun upwards, in front of his lips, and blows. He twirls ot on a forefinger and sticks it in his backpocket.

PADDY

(screaming)

You coulrophobia-inducing freak!!! Do you realize what you just did? I am going to fuck you! Fuck you! No remorse! Full thrust! Right in the eye! Reap what you sow, asshole! You think I don't know who you are under all that makeup? You think I don't know about you and the Jackson 5? I will spoon feed you your own entrails shitheel!

CUT IN

We're inside PADDY'S cartoon world, PADDY is still in the middle of his tirade.

PADDY

(continuing)

Reap what you sow! Reap what you sow! Reap what you —

A gloved hand comes from offscreen, tapping PADDY on the shoulder. PADDY turns to find BOBBLE, rendered in monochrome. He is standing with a wide-toothed grin in front of PADDY's house, which is aflame. The head of MAURRY THE MUSKRAT is impaled upon a spike in front of the house. It would have 'X's for eyes, if it weren't for the fact that it was still alive and screaming.

BOBBLE

Listen here, bird.

BOBBLE grows progressively larger as he speaks.

BOBBLE

(continuing)

I am bigger than you. Stronger than you. Better animated than you. I can fucking unmake you! I! Am! God!

PADDY cowers in BOBBLE's shadow.

BOBBLE

(offscreen, voice booming)

You do not threaten a God! You grovel! You wallow! You be thankful for each and every day your God allows you to live! Do! You! Understand?!

PADDY shivers vigorously on the ground, wings covering his head.

PADDY

Shit! Yes! Yes! I'm sorry! Yes!

INTERCUT CONVERSATION

BOBBLE is once again standing beside the chair holding DR. NAISMITH.

BOBBLE

(normal voice)

Ha-Ha! Splendid! Let's cut to the chase. Our way of life is in danger, Paddy my boy.

PADDY perks his head up, and comes to a stand.

PADDY

Danger? I thought you had everything under control? Did some prisoners escape? Are the Meatheads on to us?

BOBBLE wags his finger.

BOBBLE

Oh, no nothing like that. Earth is still… well, the whole plan's chugging on along the right course. What brings me here isn't an issue with the Mans; the threat to our continued operations comes from outside space and time, time, time, time, time.

(Here, BOBBLE "echoes" 'time' dramatically)

PADDY stares, nonplussed at the theatrics and expectant.

BOBBLE frowns, and produces a sheaf of papers from his back pocket.

BOBBLE

Everything you need to know is in this packet.

BOBBLE extends his hand. It passes through the television screen, and PADDY takes the sheaf of papers.

PADDY studies the papers for a moment, rifling through them while muttering. He pauses midway through the open sheaf.

PADDY

The… Planet of Hands?

BOBBLE waves his arms in the air.

BOBBLE

That's right! They're aliens, Paddy! They're on their way here right now to take all our Mans, Paddy! They want to march up on our planet and steal our Mans right out from under us and ship them off to their torture planet in East Glorbofuck where they'll torment them for all eternity!

BOBBLE moves more animatedly as he continues.

BOBBLE

And we're not going to stand for this, Paddy! That's our schtick! If anyone is going to torture our Mans it's gonna be us, Paddy-whack! These our our Mans, Paddy! We're gonna stand our ground!

PADDY looks up from the sheaf, eyebrow raised.

PADDY

And just what do you think I'm supposed to do about all that?

BOBBLE leans in.

BOBBLE

You, my feathered friend, are going to write… A Zero-Zero-One Proposal!

BOBBLE enthusiastically jazz hands. PADDY stands with his wings on his hips, clearly not amused.

BOBBLE

Tee-El-Dee-Are, you're going to come up with a plan to stop the invaders, ho-ho! You're perfect for the job! I need someone with an All-Seeing Eye and a vicious streak that can conjure up a foolproof plan to send these pompous pricks a' packing! You fit the er — heh — 'bill' as it were.

PADDY crosses his arms.

PADDY

You're entrusting the fate of our world to a cartoon pelican?

BOBBLE stares wide-eyed for a moment, then keels over laughing. He points at PADDY and mocks him for several minutes. Each time his laughter begins to die down, PADDY attempts to speak, causing an extension of BOBBLE's laughing fit. This continues for an uncomfortably long time.

BOBBLE

Ah! Haha! That's a good one. I may be loony, Paddy, but I'm not an idiot. I have our good friend, Laughy Laugherson, working on a Proposal of his own.

PADDY throws the sheaf to the ground, and rolls up his sleeves.

PADDY

Laughy? Why, that two-bit eldritch hack couldn't entertain his way out of a paper bag! You think that sunnuvabitch can outdo me? I'll show ya! I'll show you what Paddy can do! Reap what you sow, cocksucker! Reap what you sow!

BOBBLE rocks back on his feet.

BOBBLE

Wonderful! I'll need to have it on my desk in the morning. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a 10:30 session planned out for Agent LaFerrier. I've collected every single iteration of them from across the big-wide multiverse so I can cut 'em all up and see if I can put them back together again! Oh, how I love jigsaw puzzles… emphasis on the 'saw'! Hee-hee!

BOBBLE turns on his heel, and walks towards the door.

BOBBLE

Toodle-oo!

CUT TO

BOBBLE is in the hallway; he closes the door to PADDY's suite behind him. He looks up, noticing the camera.

BOBBLE

Oh, hello there! Things are about to get started on Paddy's end. If you're looking for Laughy's Proposal, I'm afraid you're in the wrong place. Simply refresh this page to see what dastardly scheme Chucklefuck Number Two cooks up!

If you refresh and find yourself on the same page, then you're a terrible simpleton who can't get anything right and you should be ashamed of yourself!

This is Bobble signing off!

Bobble saunters down the hallway, whistling a merry melodie.

FADE TO BLACK




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Actual fucking science! I would go at length to explain to you the complexity of the forces involved herein, but my time would be wasted. Just appreciate the pretty colors and be thankful that people way smarter than you provide your ungrateful ass the luxury of a modern sedentary lifestyle.

Man Number: MZL-001

Object Class: Apollyoff

Man Zoo Specifications: MZL-001 is to be protected at all costs from Bunch of Fucks-997 "The Planet of Hands", as it is the sole source of our most valuable commodity: soft, exploitable Mans. To this end, the Department of Entertainment is to be afforded any and all personnel for the purposes of cross-testing and exposure. Further details can be found in later addenda, which took me hours to write, you impatient half-wits, so stay tuned.

Site-42, Site-51, Site-17, and the Skyzone in Trenton, New Jersey have been commandeered for experimentation purposes. Pizza will be served.

Now We Explain the Things and Stuff: MZL-001 is the planet Earth. I really hope you don't need me to describe this any further. "Oh, Paddy! Please! I need several paragraphs of exposition detailing the planet I fucking live on!" My eye is twitching right now.

MZL-001 is currently the target of a hostile invasion from BoF-997, and as such, plans and preparations are being put in place to defend MZL-001 and her peoples (that we may murder them instead). PROJECT SYMBOLICNAME has been engineered by the esteemed and dashing Dr. P. Elican in order to deter the threat imposed by BoF-997. It consists of the utilization and combination of a multitude of anomalous persons, concepts, and artifacts which, taken altogether, form a VOLTRON of badass. The resulting entities are designated MZL-001-(Phonetic Designation), and comprise Paddy Force Fox Theta! ("Losers").

Add-on: PROJECT SYMBOLICNAME Components - PFFT! Losers:

MZL-001-Alpha: Able the Loving Llama

- At the cost of countless lives and extensive property damage sustained over the course of a several-month long engagement, Able is successfully inserted into Larry the Loving Llama. There is literally no strategic element to this, it was just funny as fuck. No regrets. Seriously. You have got to hear that overbuff jackoff espousing his undying loyalty to fun times and maintaining kayfabe. He's our new mascot.

MZL-001-Bravo: Cousin Squishy

- A strange and alluring entity which appears at family gatherings, business meetings, religious ceremonies, and Friday Night Magic. All who perceive him become convinced that he is a near and dear relative, and are compelled against all logic, reasoning, and social inhibitions to touch his squishiest regions. Kind of hard to invade a planet when you're busy feeling up an eldritch monstrosity, eh?
MZL-001-Charlie: Deus Ex Mock-u-ma

- Agent Purple pataphysically inserted into the narrative domain of Agent Orange through exploiting specialized pan-textual techniques2. The resulting narrative amalgamation is to be introduced anywhere BoF-997 attempts to trump the Man Zoo League's efforts in a meta sense. Agent Purple will be introduced into their stories to end them prematurely such that it can get to the good part: Agent Orange brutally beating them to death.

An unfortunate few will instead be subjected to Iteration F… which, thanks to Purple's Streamlining capabilities, consists of a single paragraph describing ejaculation and post-coitus cuddles.

MZL-001-Delta: SMILE-HEN

Right. So, I'll admit we didn't think this one through. I mean, I just wanted to make a gag about chicken having lips, but then everybody started turning to teeth, MZL-001-Delta started reproducing all over the place — and I mean ALL over the place… We uhh, well, they have Australia now. It's pretty fucked up, even by our standards. With any luck, that's where the invaders will land first, and maybe those problems will sort each other out.

MZL-001-Echo: Smother Teresa

- A humanoid indeterminable race covered in Krylon-brand spray paint and wearing flowing white robes. Looks to be generally inoffensive, but when no one is looking, will attempt to suffocate anyone in its immediate vicinity with the application of a Jesus body pillow. Likely Probably full of sin.

Fecal matter and blood can be found with frightening regularity in places where MZL-001-Echo frequents. She insists the source of these fluids is unknown.

DLC Pack 1: The Battle for Earth

EXT - CITYSCAPE - DAY

Establishing shot of the city, shot from on-high.

NARRARATOR

Previously, on Anom-All Z!

A bright pillar of light rapidly extends from the heavens, loudly crashing down off in the distance. The Earth quakes. The pillar is luminescent and massive, much taller than the highest skyscrapers.

EXT - CITY STREETS - DAY

The pavement where the pillar struck is cracked. Chunks of ground jut up in uneven chunks. Wrecked vehicles litter the area. CITIZENS are in a panic: some hide behind wrecked vehicles, others shout into their phone, some are fleeing.

The pillar parts in the middle, each half swings open. Smoke billows out. Darkness can be seen within.

Two figures emerge from within the darkness. Each is massive, easily a storey in height, and stark nude5. To the left, a woman: LAYANNA. She is lean and olive-skinned. Her hair is a vibrant purple that zigs and zags diagonally upwards. Beside her, on the right, is GIRHAM. He is a bulky, pasty man. He's bald, but sports a thick, bushy brown beard that drops to his rippling six-pack. Both entities conveniently speak English.

LAYANNA

It would seem that we have found our planet of runaways, Brother!

GIRHAM bellows a mighty laugh.

GIRHAM

[to LAYANNA]

It would seem so, dear Sister!

GIRHAM raises his hands, palms facing outwards.

GIHAM

(shouting)

Greetings! Set aside your earthly woes, little runts, for we are your Masters! Behind me is a portal, beyond which is your true home! If only you fall to your knees and beg our forgiveness, we will take you there!

LAYANNA beckons towards the pillar.

LAYANNA

We will return you to your rightful place! Blissful, eternal suffering to provide paradise for the elite! Isn't that lovely?

A soda can comes from offscreen, striking GIRHAM beside the head. He doesn't flinch.

CITIZEN

(offscreen)

Screw you, asshole!

GIRHAM looks to LAYANA.

GIRHAM

And here I thought we weren't going to have a chance to have any fun!

LAYANNA

Come, let us make waste to this foolish little thing our runaways have built.

INTERCUT ACTION

LAYANNA's hands sparkle with golden electricity, she thrusts her hands forward, and a hot ray of energy shoots out.

Fleeing CITIZENS, cars, parking meters and signposts are vaporized in the light.

GIRHAM holds out a hand. A massive sword manifests from the aether. He grips the hilt and swings.

Several CITIZENS are cut in twain by the strike.

CUT TO:

EXT CITYSCAPE - DAY

Return to the opening shot. GIRHAM and LAYANNA can be heard laughing, CITIZENS are screaming. Periodic quakes rock the landscape. Explosions can be seen. Building crumble around the pillar.

CUT TO:

EXT - CITY STREETS

A WOMAN is clutching her BABY. She's on the ground behind an upturned truck, hiding in the shadows. She is whimpering. Crunching metal is heard, and shade gives way to light. The WOMAN looks up in horror.

GIRHAM stands, sword in one hand, truck in the other. He casually tosses the truck over his shoulder. GIRHAM laughs menacingly. The WOMAN screams.

CUT TO:

EXT CITYSCAPE - DAY

NARRATOR

Alien invaders! What will become of humanity?! Will our heroes put a stop to their reign of terror? Find out, on today's episode of Anom-All Z!

CREDIT SEQUENCE

私の心、私の愛:燃える山 (My Heart, My Love: A Burning Mountain) - by Inoama and the Industrials plays over frenetic, fast-paces scenes of our anomaly protagonists clashing against the bad guys. During slow portions of the song, our heroes are portrayed staring pensively into the sunset, or sitting beside a flowing river.

END CREDIT SEQUENCE

FADE IN

We open up where the preview left off. GIRHAM stands over the defenseless WOMAN cowering and holding her BABY.

He takes a knee.

GIRHAM

Now, now, little one. Don't fret.

GIRHAM extends his free hand.

GIRHAM

You and your child have the opportunity to embark on a noble and selfless task. Your torment is crucial to maintaining our utopia! Please. Come with me. Allow yourself to become part of the Grand Design. I do not wish this babe to die in vain.

The WOMAN recoils, clutching her BABY tighter.

WOMAN

No! Get away from me, you psycho!

GIRHAM sighs. He stands.

GIRHAM

Very well. Then, you must die.

GIRHAM grips his blade in both hands. He raises the blade over his head. The WOMAN screams. GIRHAM grunts and brings the blade down forcibly.

Everything goes black. A white streak of light slices across the screen, accompanied by the sound of clashing blades.

GIRHAM's sword has been halted against another blade. This new sword is a claymore. It sports a large vacant spot where the middle of the blade would be -- the tip of the weapon floats of its own accord. Through this gap in the blade, we can see that its wielder is none other than BOBBLE the Clown. He's sporting his usual attire, but his hat is absent. His hair is spiky, neon orange, and highly stylized against the forces of gravity. BOBBLE looks up at GIRHAM with contempt.

A sick guitar-riff sounds off.

BOBBLE

Not on my watch!

BOBBLE looks over his shoulder and addresses the WOMAN.

BOBBLE

What are you waiting for?! Get out of here! Run!

The WOMAN nods, and runs down a sidestreet and out of sight.

BOBBLE pushes his blade against GIRHAM's, forcing the alien backwards. GIRHAM stumbles, recomposes himself, and laughs.

GIRHAM

Sister, come hither! Come witness this silly little man that thinks it can stand against the all-powerful on its lonesome!

LAYLANNA descends from the sky, landing beside GIRHAM.

BOBBLE stands staring towards the ground.

BOBBLE

'Lonesome', huh? You think I came out here by myself?

BOBBLE looks up at the pair. His eyes are full of fiery determination.

BOBBLE

No! I've brought my friends with me!

Indistinct shouting and whooping is heard. In the streets land our heroes: Mobile Task Force PFFT! - ("Losers"). As each is shown on-screen, the picture freeze-frames, displaying their name, title, and MTF designation.

MTF-ALPHA — ABLE THE LOVING LLAMA touches ground first. He spins on a heel, and wags his long neck about, shouting gleefully. He's caught mid-spin for his freeze-frame.

MTF ALPHA

I Wuv You!

Next up, MTF BRAVO — COUSIN SQUISHY. He's a heavyset, translucent blue humanoid with long, flowing anime-hair. He shouts an odd, indecipherable and wet-sounding phrase, and flexes for the freeze-frame.

MTF BRAVO

(translated in subtitles)

Get ready for defeat!

MTF CHARLIE — "DEUS EX" lands next. Her features are obscured beneath form-fitting white spandex and matching helmet. She does a kawaii gesture for her freeze-frame.

MTF CHARLIE

Let's get on with it already!

MTF DELTA — SMILE-HEN lands next. The giant, tooth-covered chicken-man sports six dots emblazoned on its forehead. It giggles in a shrill, girly voice. It poses with its proto-wings spread-eagle.

MTF DELTA

Ca-Caw!

MTF ECHO — SMOTHER TERESA lands last. It jumps up and down, and hugs its Jesus body pillow tight for its freeze-frame.

MTF ECHO

Jesus loves you! This I know!

The five enter battle-stances.

MTF PFFT! Losers

(in unison)

Man Zoo League Super Force Go!

GIRHAM and LAYANNA look on in utter confusion. LAYANNA's brow furrows.

LAYANNA

What is the meaning of this? Exactly who are you lot?

BOBBLE chuckles to himself, eyes on the ground.

BOBBLE

I'm glad you asked.

BOBBLE snaps his fingers. ICKY the Clown maniests beside him, grinning. The pair take on a complex series of dramatic poses as they recite their motto:

BOBBLE

Get ready for gruesome!

ICKY

A kooky twosome!

BOBBLE

To protect the world from defenestration!

ICKY

To keep the Mans in our machinations!

BOBBLE

To save our world from alien fucks!

ICKY

To… uhh.. To catalogue all anomalous ducks?

ICKY

Icky!

BOBBLE

Bobble!

ICKY

Man Zoo League, yes we're in the right!

BOBBLE

Surrender, bitch! We ain't got all night!

JOSIE THE HALF-CAT

Josie! That's Right!

GIRHAM and LAYANNA are dumbfounded.

BOBBLE turns to ICKY.

BOBBLE

What the hell was that? You hesitated on your line!

ICKY

My line? I was told this was supposed to be a kid's show, and you've got me rhyming with swear-words!

BOBBLE and ICKY shout at each other, their bickering becomes an indiscernible bunch of noise.

LAYANNA and GIRHAM exchange a look, and the pair attack: LAYANNA shoots a ray of energy, GIRHAM strikes with his blade.

ICKY is hit by LAYANNA's blast. She careens off, crashing into a building off in the distance. BOBBLE is hit by GIRHAM's sword, sending him backwards with enough force to dig a trench in the asphalt.

Reaction shot of MTF PFFT! — The five gasp in surprise.

ABLE THE LOVING LLAMA

Oh Noes! Boss Man is down!

DEUS EX

Then it's up to us, team!

DEUX EX, COUSIN SQUISHY, SMILE-HEN, and TERESA rush forward to engage their foes. All four shout battle-cries.

ABLE THE LOVING LLAMA stays back. His costume tenses up. He becomes surrounded by flowing energy and light.

ABLE THE LOVING LLAMA

(rising in pitch and intensity)

HHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!

DEUX EX and COUSIN SQUISHY engage with LAYANNA. DEUX EX is a flurry of rapid hand and leg movements, each strike being parried impossibly-fast. LAYANNA constantly dodges COUSIN SQUISHY as he thrusts his bulk towards her in an attempt to make physical contact. Somebody should really call the cops on that guy.

SMILE-HEN and TERESA square off against GIRHAM. SMILE-HEN's many mouths attempt to bite GIRHAM, but consistently meet blade. TERESA wields her Jesus body-pillow as a makeshift blunt weapon. It surprisingly holds up when encountering GIRHAM's sword.

Dialogue between the six consist mainly of grunts, heaves, and "Ha!'s.

Able is still on his lonesome. The energy surrounding him becomes more intense. The ground quakes beneath his feet.

ABLE THE LOVING LLAMA

(rising in pitch and intensity)

HHHHHHUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!

LAYANNA sidesteps a pelvic thrust from COUSIN SQUISHY, and punishes the opening with a powerful ray of energy, burning him beyond recognition. He falls.

GIRHAM ducks beneath a swipe of TERESA's body pillow. He brings his sword up, quite literally de-arming the hero.

The sky grows dark over ABLE THE LOVING LLAMA.

ABLE THE LOVING LLAMA

(again, rising in pitch and intensity)

HHHHHHUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!

LAYANNA blocks a jab from DEUX EX, turns, and delivers a swift roundhouse, knocking her back.

SMILE-HEN extends its neck to bite GIRHAM, and is met with a powerful uppercut.

SMILE-HEN and DEUX EX crash-land next to each other. They shakily climb to their feet.

SMILE-HEN

Caw!

DEUS EX

I know! They're much too powerful for us!

GIRHAM and LAYANNA stand side-by-side, smiling evilly.

SMILE-HEN cocks its head.

SMILE-HEN

Caw-caw?

DEUS EX throws her hands in the air.

DEUS EX

I can't use my powers here! My Streamline Stand is useless against the powers of exposition, and we're written into an anime! It's 90% exposition and powering-up sequences! Speaking of…

The two look at each other, then back towards ABLE THE LOVING LLAMA.

The light surrounding him has peaked in luminosity and sparkles with violent energy. Bits of earth float in his general vicinity. His screaming is over 9000 decibelles.

ABLE THE LOVING LLAMA

(rising in pitch and intensity)

HHHHHHUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!

GIRHAM approaches slowly, sword resting against his shoulder.

GIRHAM

Face it, runts! You're finished! There is nothing you can do to trounce us! We have power beyond imagination! You are nothing before us!

Close-up shot of DEUS EX's helmet, though we can't see her eyes due to the glint of the sun, her mouth is visible through her visor.

DEUS EX

We still have one ace up our sleeve. Able! Now's your chance!

ABLE finishes powering up, and explodes forward. He utterly destroys the surrounding area simply through the act of leaping towards his foes.

ABLE THE LOVING LLAMA

HHHUUUU!!!!

HHHUUUUGS!!!!!

ABLE collides with GIRHAM, and embraces him lovingly.

DEUX EX facepalms.

SMILE HEN facepalms.

Somewhere off in a pile of rubble, BOBBLE facepalms.

PADDY

(offscreen)

What the shit?!

What was that? What was that?

That's it! Cut! This whole thing is a goddamn sham! Goddamnit!

I want all of you in my office, pronto! Oh-ho-ho, you're really gonna get it! Reap what you sow! Reap what you sow! Reap what you motherfucking sow!

CUT TO BLACK

INTERLUDE - BOBBLE FUN TIME SPECTACULAR!

FADE IN

INT - OFFICE OF THE OVERBOBBLE - DAY

We open in what was once the office of the Director of Site 19. It's received a garrish, rainbow makeover, and all the walls and furniture are adorned with happy, animated faces. Two large covered birdcages sit atop the desk, framing the figure of DIRECTOR ZYN KIRYU who is gagged and bound to her seat. She struggles against her restraints. BOBBLE the Clown prances in from stage right.

BOBBLE

Oh, Zynieee! Iiiiiiit's feeding time! Ha-ha! Let's see what's on the menu today!

BOBBLE removes the cover from the birdcage on the right. Inside, a dozen butterflies with beautiful wing-patterns resembling a nebula flit about. BOBBLE opens the cage door, reaches inside, and roughly grabs a handful of the insects. With his free hand, he removes the gag from DIRECTOR ZYN's mouth and swiftly forces the handful of bugs inside when she gasps for breath. He then proceeds to stuff her gag back in.

BOBBLE

Mmmmm! So yummy! These Thought Messengers are the perfect — hoo-hoo! — brain-food! Got to keep the ol' noggin sharp, now!

DIRECTOR ZYN thrashes in her chair. The gag muffles her retching and screaming.

BOBBLE turns about and notices the camera. He goes wide-eyed.

BOBBLE

Oh! Well howdy-ho there, boys and girls!

BOYS AND GIRLS

(offscreen, in unison)

Howdy-ho, Bobble!

BOBBLE hops over the desk.

BOBBLE

To get you all caught up on things, Ol' Paddy is taking a break! He had a bit of a meltdown back there, so we're going to all hang out while we wait for that goofy bird to get his bearings!

Some good news though! Turns out that our affable mascot, Able, was able to capture that stinky-meaniehead alien with his Super Hug! Now, we've got the bugger down in our testin — er… I mean torture chamber! The sooner we figure out what makes the aliens tick, the sooner we can ruthlessly murder their whole species to a man! Pretty swell, right?

BOYS AND GIRLS

(offscreen, in unison)

Ab-so-lutely Bobble!

BOBBLE jumps up and down, clapping his hands excitedly. Behind him, DIRECTOR ZYN has fallen unconscious.

BOBBLE

Golly gee! I'm so glad you think so!

BOBBLE raises a finger.

BOBBLE

Now, in other news —

BOBBLE is cut off by the sound of klaxon alarms. The lights dim, and the room becomes cast in a strobing red light. BOBBLE feigns shock.

BOBBLE

Oop! Looks like the Man Zoo security alarms have been tripped!

BOBBLE grins widely, and points to the camera.

BOBBLE

And you all know what that means, right boys and girls?

BOYS AND GIRLS

(offscreen, in unison)

It's Doctor Kondraki!

BOBBLE squeals with joy.

BOBBLE

Thaaaat's right! Oh, you're so smart!

For all my New Friends in the audience, let me explain: Doctor Kondraki is one of the Mans we keep here at Man Zoo 1730, but unlike most Mans, who we keep under lock and key…

BOBBLE points a thumb over his shoulder at DIRECTOR ZYN.

BOBBLE

(continuing)

We allow 'Draki free roam of the facility!

You see, 'Draki is a wily one. He's somehow able to consistently thwart our security systems in fun and imaginative ways! This is super helpful, you see, because then our Director of False Sense of Security, Mr. Bear, can address these gaps in our defenses before they can be utilized by other Mans for escape and-slash-or sabotage!

The camera begins to slowly zoom out, such that the entire room can be seen. In the far corner of the room, we can see DR KONDRAKI sitting crouched behind a potted plant. It is nowheres near large enough to obscure him.

BOBBLE

Now, then.

BOBBLE pantomimes binoculars, and leans about surveying the room.

BOBBLE

Can you see Doctor Kondraki?

(pause)

Can you see Doctor Kondraki?

(pause)

Can you see Doctor Kondraki?

There is silence, and then…

BOYS AND GIRLS

(offscreen, in unison)

He's right there!

BOBBLE leaps in surprise. He turns to face DOCTOR KONDRAKI in the corner.

BOBBLE

He is! He is right there! Great job, boys and girls!

Come on out, 'Draki!

DOCTOR KONDRAKI stands, grumbling. He dusts himself off and approaches BOBBLE.

BOBBLE

So, what's it today, 'Draki? Which of our security systems did you exploit this time?

DOCTOR KONDRAKI

Like hell I'll answer you, you sunnuva bitch!

Bobble winks at the camera.

BOBBLE

Isn't he just a peach, kids?

BOBBLE pinches DR KONDRAKI''s cheek, who swats him away.

BOBBLE

Come, come, Doctor. Let's not keep our audience waiting!

DOCTOR KONDRAKI snarls. He prods BOBBLE's nose aggressively as he speaks, with each poke eliciting a loud squeak.

DOCTOR KONDRAKI

I'll reveal nothing! I've got your number now, Bobble! You're finished! You're done! Toast!

Soon as I get out of here, I'll set plans in motion to bring this whole goddamn circus of yours tumbling down! Death to the Man Zoo! Death to the Overbobble!

BOBBLE smiles at the camera. He galivants about, twirling around DOCTOR KONDRAKI. BOBBLE tusses his hair.

BOBBLE

Oh, but you are going to tell me, friendo!

BOBBLE's twirling places him next to the desk, beside the still-covered birdcage. BOBBLE daintily pinches the covering.

BOBBLE

Otherwise, well — hee-hee! — once the Director here comes-to, I'll have to get her started on the main course!

BOBBLE pulls back the covering, revealing the cage's inhabitant: A miniature, nude Gilbert Gottfried sits within the cage. It grabs the flesh around its neck, pulling its face off to reveal that it has the head of a duck. It waves to the camera.

BOBBLE cocks his head.

BOBBLE

Wha— huh? Whoa. Heh-heh. Holy fuck, dude. That's not right. One sec.

BOBBLE produces an electrified rod from his trousers, and jabs at the entity within the cage. Instantly, the Gilbert Gottfried Thing explodes into a mass of zebra butterflies.

DOCTOR KONDRAKI goes pale.

DOCTOR KONDRAKI

No! No, you wouldn't!

BOBBLE puts his arm around the doctor.

BOBBLE

Of course I would, silly! It's hardly a hostage situation if I don't follow through now, is it?

But… erm… Looks like our Director here is still taking a nap, so I could just get us started off by tearing the wings off a few of your friends here, right? Ha ha!

DOCTOR KONDRAKI jumps forward, hugging the cage of Illusory Butterflies.

DOCTOR KONDRAKI

No! No. There will be… no need for that.

BOBBLE squees and produces a notepad and pen. He looks to DOCTOR KONDRAKI with an eyebrow raised.

DOCTOR KONDRAKI

Maintenance room, fourth floor. There's a loose bit of paneling that would allow one to get inside the walls and, from there, access the sixth floor's reactor room.

It would have been trivial to arm the Site's emergency warhead and send this cursed place to kingdom come.

A green light bathes the room. BOBBLE finishes his note-taking, and tucks his writing implements into a back pocket.

BOBBLE

That wasn't so hard now, was it? And wouldn't you know it, kids, we're just in time! Paddy is giving us the green light to wrap things up here!

DR. LIZARD trods in from stage left.

BOBBLE notices DR. LIZARD.

BOBBLE

And speaking of timely, here's DR. LIZARD, ready to take our human pal back to his room!

DOCTOR KONDRAKI grumbles, and falls to his hands and knees. DR. LIZARD straddles his back.

BOBBLE

Giddyup, Dr. Lizard!

DR. LIZARD snarls.

Dr. LIZARD

(translated via subtitles)

Hi-yo Silver, away!

DR. LIZARD slaps DOCTOR KONDRAKI on the ass, and the latter doctor begins slowly and painfully carrying the weight of the reptilian doctor. They exit stage left.

BOBBLE addresses the camera.

BOBBLE

Whelp, that's all we have for today, boys and girls! So long for now!

BOYS AND GIRLS

(offscreen, in unison)

So long, Bobble!

BOBBLE

Oh! And don't forget to murder your parents in their sleep! Remember: Bobble is the only one who truly loves you! Bye-bye!

BOBBLE waves as BOBBLE's THEME plays.

FADE TO BLACK

ADDENDUM THE FINAL — JUST THROW SOME D-CLASS AT IT

Multiple termination attempts have been carried out against the entity known as 'Girham'. This includes blunt-force trauma, strangulation, execution via firing squad, burning, electrocution, freezing, and a nuclear blast. It is the findings of our research team that this fucker is Vigo the Carpathian on crack.

Multiple predictive and knowledge-based anomalies have been consulted in order to find a solution to this dilemma — each has failed in this task, citing 'Forbidden Knowledge' or some form of future-obscuring haze. Dr P. Elican, wise as he most certainly is, went as far as approaching the Puppy Machine.

The first request "something that will kill the alien I have tied up in my basement", caused the machine to chime, as that query had previously been submitted. The second request "something that can kill Girham, goddamnit, you know what I meant" (alongside several furiously-scrawled "Reap what you sow"s) produced a successful result. The machine activated.

A single puppy was deposited into the game area. This was followed by the production of a common shrike, holding within its beak a sharpened twig. The shrike studied the puppy for a moment, inquisitively, prior to stabbing it in the jugular with its twig. I have no idea what the fuck that's supposed to mean, so I'm just going to start throwing Disposable-Class anomalies at it out of sheer frustration.

Disposable Class Designation Test Results
D-1370 - Pesterbot D-1370 entered the testing chamber. It assaulted Girham's big toe while talking all kinds of shit we knew it couldn't back up. D-1370 crushed betwixt the entities thumb and forefinger. Its remains have been mounted and fitted with animatronics. It now sings "Uptown Funk" at passerby in a shrill voice… no one is sure if this is an improvement.
D-4357-J - P'rantortiz the Vile D-4357-J attempted to use the burning intensity of pure Hellfire to smite Girham, calling upon the full might of Hell's legions. Girham received a light tan from the experience, then proceeded to engage D-4357-J in conversation. D-4357-J, disarmed by his demeanor, unwittingly began to divulge sensitive information that could lead to Girham's escape. D-4357-J terminated via blasting the Lord's Prayer over intercom. Reaped what he sew.
D-096 - Shyguy D-096 placed in Girham's chamber, and the paper sack removed from its head. Realizing its face had been sighted by Girham, D-096 went on the offensive, violently assaulting and attempting to [DATA CENSORED] the alien. Physical assault had no effect. Once D-096 tired itself out, Girham produced a mirror, and gave it to D-096. Girham explained that D-096 is actually very beautiful on the inside, and that it should accept this. D-096, upon exiting the chamber, is no longer found to be anomalous. Looking at its face (who would want to though? eergh!) produces no effect. Being essentially a normal Mans — albeit a very ugly and malnourished one — D-096 was terminated via gunshot and its body lumped into the dumpster behind Arby's.
D-2800 - "Cactusman" Volunteered. Claimed to know in its heart of hearts that only they were capable of defeating the alien menace, and that all of their life had been leading to this penultimate moment. D-2800 entered the chamber nude, produced full-body spines, screamed an admittedly impressive battle cry, and rushed towards the alien menace. D-2800 tripped and fell face-first onto the floor. He was found to be incapable of righting himself on account of lodging his spines in the linoleum. D-2800 repeatedly asked for assistance from researchers over the next several hours, but we were too busy making fun of him. Currently utilized by the Girham as a loofa.
D-3589 - Armando D-3589 removes his arms, casting discarded ones aside, until he grows replacement arms rivalling the size of the alien's. D-3589 then challenges Girham to an arm-wrestling contest. While the alien was distracted, all of D-4589's detached arms animated. They began to interlock, with those composed of various metals composing a frame, and those composed of esoteric nuclear materials and plasmas filling its center. The arm-amalgamation came to form a massive laser cannon. The cannon began to charge, rising into the air and pointing downwards at Girham's head. Just as the laser fired, Girham cocked his head to pick his ear. The full blast hit D-3589, who was incinerated. Follow-up investigation found D-3589's cause of death to be humerus.
D-049 - Dr. Plague Doctor D-049 submitted a request to interact with the alien in order to determine if it was afflicted by "the pestilence" that it may cure it. This was allowed by the research team owing to the lethality of its touch. During D-049's initial examination, it became clear that his touch was incapable of killing Girham, who was annoyed by the doctor's presence. The alien became enraged, and exclaimed his intentions to murder the good doctor. Everyone gathered around to watch. Cain made popcorn. Before Girham could turn D-049 into a red smear on the test chamber wall, A Birdfellow burst into the room, shrieking like a madman about "saving daddy" and brandishing his pointy doctor stick. It was with said doctor stick that Birdfellow penetrated the everloving fuck out of the alien's heretofore-impenetrable hide. Girham bled out and micturated.

Closing Statement Fuck me sideways. —Paddy

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