[CONTEXT OF IMAGE CLASSIFIED]
[CONTEXT OF IMAGE SUPER CLASSIFIED]
Man Number #: MZL-001
Object Class: Dungus
Man Zoo Specifications: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I am very proud to present to you a very special episode of LA U GH IS F UN. Tonight, we present a range of effects detailing the methods by which Bunch of Fucks-997 are going to be like.
A certain Paddy D. Pelican, my esteemed colleague in abnormal entertainment here at the League, had initially concocted a plan to turn the planet upon which you and I stand into a wacky, spectacky, ball of fun that will stop BoF-997 from having anything to do with us. Unfortunately Dr. Pelican needs to not only take some anger management classes, but maybe possibly find a girlfriend. Hahaha, know what I mean, folks?
Part of his plan involved the capture and subsequent torture of one of these bad boys, which did not make his family happy at all, nosiree Bob. At any rate, Bobble himself has been gracious, kind, sweet, sensitive, and considerate enough to allow me the rare opportunity to address the problem currently at hand.
Thanks Bobble.
I have no kdrrrkkcching idea what to do.
Tonight's Guest: MZL-001, otherwise known as BoF-997 is a group of alien entities who basically are very very angry gods. In short, they're responsible for a lot of the anomalous phenomena on this planet, likely including you and I. They have done this because the mans that are so precious to us are basically like their slave race. Uh oh, that doesn't sound so fun, does it? I thought they were our slave race!
The mans knew about this bunch bananas for a long time. In fact, they've had some inkling we were caused by a something or other ever since they first started to drool. Isn't that interesting? I think that's pretty neat, I would say.
Now, the most interesting things about all of this is the fact that Dr. Pelican initiated a plan to take out the invading force and prevent us from transforming via his feisty little plan to knock out the ambassadors with a bunch of Japanese-animation powered fighters designed by science to beat them up. As you might have guessed, this was a hilariously goofy failure! Hahahaha!
We don't know what the actual heck MZL-001 is, beyond very tall and scary, and we don't know how to communicate with them beyond rape and torture.
This is going to be fun.
I can't wait.
Hoorah.
Addendum 001.1 - Situational Updates
2/11/2016 23:14:06 GMT — A lot of databases are compromised. APOLLO62 hosts 001 and will probably be the last to go down in the event of a total collapse. Use this space to back up any bulletins you've been sending out. R. Armitage | Chief Information Officer
2/11/2016 23:55:54 GMT — The organism to which SCP-058 belongs is now in its holding area. Additional security personnel requested immediately. J. Epstein | Containment Supervisor, Armed Bio-Containment Area-14
3/11/2016 01:37:19 GMT — is anyone else able to contact site-77? we need details ASAP K. Novotelnov | Eastern Europe Chargé D'affaires, Department of External Affairs
3/11/2016 03:00:00 GMT — NOVEMBER 3 2016 FORCE READINESS REPORT === COMBAT CAPABLE FORCES IN ZONE 8 - 692 PERSONNEL 19 UNITS. THIS MESSAGE IS AUTOMATICALLY GENERATED DO NOT RESPOND FOUNDATION MILSERV LIST
3/11/2016 05:35:08 GMT — any IT folks who can see this get those pictures of all the 439 instances down off imgur NOW A. Singh | Emergent Phenomena Specialist, Site-45
3/11/2016 05:41:48 GMT — I am trapped in my office and I cannot access any other database. Send assistance to Area 7. Please hurry. F. Ramirez | Research Director, Armed Topographical Area-7
3/11/2016 05:49:23 GMT — SYSTEM ERROR MESSAGE LOST A. Gladstone | North American Subdirector
3/11/2016 06:03:17 GMT — The entirety of the Ursa Minor constellation is no longer observable in the night sky. Please update all navigation software accordingly. Q. Nguyen | Astrophysicist III, Office of Celestial Anomalies
3/11/2016 06:17:59 GMT — Requesting permission to counterattack the SCP-1000 instances occupying Blalock, Oregon. We will engage in fifteen minutes if we continue to receive no acknowledgment from command. M. Iqbal | Captain, Mobile Task Force Zeta-1000
3/11/2016 06:22:47 GMT — F. Ramirez | Research Director, Armed Topographical Area-7
3/11/2016 07:05:57 GMT — Site-17 is lost. Evacuate all remaining personnel. Disregard all other communications saying otherwise. Do not send any more personnel within 100 miles. I am personally redirecting all remaining disinformation units on the continent to put a natural disaster narrative out ASAP. VERIFIED OVERSEER ACCOUNT
3/11/2016 07:19:43 GMT — NINIGHTENGALE5two8 All staff are instructed to stop thinking about squids or octopi immediately. Staff overseeing cephalopod-like SCP objects are instructed to destroy them as soon as feasible. This message has been transmitted in a Grade B Subconscious Suggestibility modality cognitohazard. Staff recalling the entirety of this message are ordered to seek amnestic treatment immediately. Do not think about octopi or squids. AAAAPPENDAGERhhh53eight93 E. Sanderson | Emergent Phenomena Specialist, Site-18
3/11/2016 07:28:18 GMT — To all embedded assets within the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. The codeword is حساب. I repeat. The codeword is حساب. You read that correctly. IDENTITY REDACTED | Level 5/SCP-███ clearance required
3/11/2016 07:41:01 GMT — Do not abandon Site-17. I remind you that the punishment for desertion is summary execution. VERIFIED OVERSEER ACCOUNT
3/11/2016 08:02:27 GMT — DISTRESS SIGNAL RECEIVED. UNABLE TO RESPOND. SORRY. T. Angstrom | Antarctic Regional Emergency Response Coordinator
3/11/2016 08:15:00 GMT — This is an automated message. The communications network for Site-23 is non-operational at this time. The likely cause is FIRE/EXPLOSION/OTHER. You will be notified when the network is back in working order. Please do not respond. FOUNDATION ANNOUNCEMENTS SERV
3/11/2016 08:31:14 GMT — Please sign up by today for the Site-81 holiday potluck! No paper plates or cups please :p F. Chao | Remote Site-81 Human Resources Director
3/11/2016 08:47:33 GMT — Town of Blalock is back under control. Massive casualties. Need medivac and a disinformation team ASAP. M. Iqbal | Captain, Mobile Task Force Zeta-1000
3/11/2016 08:55:12 GMT — Times of India website has been taken down. Checking to see if other news outlets need to be taken offline. Stand by. N. Chaudhry | Western Asia Subdirector
3/11/2016 09:11:49 GMT — false alarm no need for further action everything is fine F. Ramirez | Research Director, Armed Topographical Area-7
3/11/2016 09:24:09 GMT — We're activating the failsafe now. Our people have done all they can. Keep on fighting, everyone. W. Hermanson | Security Director, Armed Site-12
3/11/2016 09:38:22 GMT — Cancel the order for the replacement Suzuki GSX-R1000 chain. Found one at the local motorcycle shop. Bike works fine. A. Rojas | Captain, Mobile Task Force Phi-9
3/11/2016 09:51:02 GMT — All personnel at Site-35 are instructed to stay away from Maximum Security Morgue 3-A until containment specialists have finished constructing the barrier. H. Kazmir | Director, Site-35
3/11/2016 10:02:57 GMT — The site lockdown continues until we can find SCP-2996. We'll discuss who's responsible for yesterday's unauthorized transfer afterward. K. Aktus | Director, Site-81
3/11/2016 10:14:44 GMT — I am in the secure control room with Captain Hughes' credentials and a lot of blood on my lab coat. I don't remember what the contents of the message I'm supposed to send are. If anyone knows, that would be good. Z. Hughes | Captain, Mobile Task Force Epsilon-7
3/11/2016 10:17:43 GMT — The day will come when this earth will be substituted with a new earth, and also the heavens, and everyone will be brought before GOD, the One, the Supreme. Allah preserve us. M. Al-Hazmi | Interfaith Liaison, Armed Area-19
3/11/2016 10:30:00 GMT — NOVEMBER 3 2016 FORCE READINESS REPORT UPDATE === COMBAT CAPABLE FORCES IN ZONE 8 - 15 PERSONNEL 0 UNITS. THIS MESSAGE IS AUTOMATICALLY GENERATED DO NOT RESPOND FOUNDATION MILSERV LIST
3/11/2016 10:53:21 GMT — Okay, you can let the news crews back into Angkor Wat now. Christ. W. Kozlowski | Senior Emergent Phenomena Specialist, Bio Site-52
3/11/2016 10:59:57 GMT — APOLLO62 is experiencing difficulties. We're limiting it to 001-criticial activities now. Please use whatever backup systems are available to you. Watch yourselves out there. R. Armitage | Chief Information Officer
[[collapsible show="+ TS/001/EYES ONLY" hide="- ACCESS GRANTED"]]
Addendum 001.2 - Post-Serapis Anomaly Documentation
Affected Item |
Pre-Serapis Description |
Post-Serapis Description |
Recontained? |
SCP-063 |
Plastic toothbrush, labeled "The World's Best Tothbrush" [sic], capable of removing from existence all dead and inorganic matter that comes into contact with its bristles. |
An unidentified humanoid, advertising itself as "The World's Best Dantist" [sic]. Entity has been known to appear at low-cost dental service facilities, and is capable of generating a localized time anomaly, used to make the entity and its patient experience time at a much slower rate than the outside world. Prior to amnesticization, patients have reported experiencing dental procedures lasting in excess of 2-3 days during relative time periods of 10-15 minutes by outside observation. Affected subjects uniformly report healthy teeth and gums. |
N |
SCP-087 |
An unending stairwell located at ████████ University, host to an unknown hostile entity. |
An unending stairwell located at United States Department of Defense Headquarters (aka The Pentagon), host to an unknown hostile entity. Of note, unlike the previous iteration of this anomaly, SCP-087' has been observed to open the doorway to its entrance of its own accord. |
Y |
SCP-106 |
Hostile humanoid with corrosive effects on nearby matter, utilizing transdimensional space manipulation to capture prey subjects within an area under its absolute control for anomalously extended periods of time. |
As before, with the exception that SCP-106' displays greater intelligence, to the point of speaking with research staff and utilizing its dimensional manipulation properties for more effective escape attempts. |
N |
SCP-167 |
A 10 m3 object composed of an unknown white-plastic polymer, accessible by a door, serving as the access point for an indefinitely-recursive series of doors leading to further extradimensional rooms of a similar nature. |
A 10 m3 object composed of an unknown white-plastic polymer, accessible by a door, serving as the access point for an indefinitely-recursive series of doors leading to further rooms of a similar nature. 11% of observed doors within SCP-167' now lead to rooms within other Foundation facilities. 7% of observed doors within SCP-167' now lead to the Russian Federation's still-classified Запретный Прогресс space station. 17% of observed doors now lead to rooms containing automated constructs of various models and types designed to forcibly harvest human brain tissue. |
Y |
SCP-222 |
A tunnel complex in the Italian Dolomite Mountains containing a stone coffin, capable of producing biological copies of living human subjects placed inside. Clones suffer from global retrograde amnesia. |
A tunnel complex in the Italian Dolomite Mountains containing a stone coffin, capable of producing biological copies of the mothers of living human subjects placed inside. Clones retain full memories of the original human they are based upon, and in cases where the original subject is deceased, memories of post-mortem experiences. [DATA EXPUNGED]. |
Y |
SCP-294 |
Anomalous coffee machine capable of producing any requested liquid substance and dispensing it. |
Anomalous coffee machine capable of producing any beverage currently produced by the Coca-Cola Company or its subsidiaries, regardless of input. Requests for non-Coca Cola Company products from SCP-294' will affect the company's stock price in a manner not yet understood at present, with requests for non-edible items such as antifreeze, weed killer and mercury displaying a tendency to result in sharp increases in trading. |
Y |
SCP-332 |
Group of anomalous humanoids presenting as a high school marching band, with cognitohazardous effects on human observers, contained at the former Kirk Lonwood High School located in ███████, ██. |
Group of anomalous humanoids presenting as a high school marching band, with cognitohazardous effects on human observers, manifesting briefly and repeatedly at locations commonly associated with American high school marching band field trips, such as Walt Disney World, the Rose Bowl outdoor stadium, and Tropicana Field in Saint Petersburg, Florida. |
N |
SCP-383 |
An anomalous strain of influenza causing infected subjects to regurgitate various items deemed useful to that person in their present circumstances. |
An anomalous strain of influenza causing a cluster of infected subjects to regurgitate components of complex devices, typically of an illicit nature. These devices have included equipment for the manufacture of ketamine, electronic security lock override devices, remote-controlled explosive devices, and in one case, sets of falsified identification credentials. |
N |