Host: Hallo und willkommen to a new episode of SCP Restarah.

Host: Today we are looking at SCP [stutters] Three- Thirty- Threethousand. SCP Three Thousand is Euclid and it's really cool. I wish it was a keter though. Um- because thats always cooler. Is that how you say it? Keter? Or is it… Keter. It's probably Keter.

Host: Anyway, let's get on with it. SCP is a large retail unit previously owned and branded as IKEA - see, this is really cool. I know IKEA, I've been to IKEAs before. Uhm. It's a big shop. You can buy furniture there. I think. Yeah. And… let's see. There's like, um, it's really big, like, really big, and you can, and you walk into it, like, like, like, like, um, it's really big, you know? So you get lost in it, and there's SCP… Three Thousand Eight Dash One, which, wait, no, um, oh sorry. SCP… Three Thousand- Three Thousand Dash One is the space in SCP Th- Three Thousand which is… the IKEA store.

Host: I don't get it.

Host: Anyway, SCP Three Thousand Eight Two- Dash Two- is… ah, humanoid entities that exist within SCP-

[The host gasps for air.]

Host: Three Thousand Eight Dash One. And they look like humans and… that's like… but they aren't you know? They- They are… some are really big and some are really weird, but they all- they all wear yellow shirts and blue trousers which I really like. Blue is my favourite colour so this is really cool.

Host: And… there is… day and night- this part is kind of stupid- there is day and night in there store which doesn't make sense. Like, it's in the store how would there be day and night? Day and night is because of the sun. There isn't a sun in the store so [chuckles] the author probably didn't really [chuckles] didn't think this through. But, let's move on.

Host: Um, it's, it has like , wait… there is people, like people who walked into it and then they got lost whihc is kind of stupid, because like… just, just walk back, you know? [Laughs.] Idiots.

Host: Anyway, there is an incident where someone came out of it. I guess that one wasn't as dumb [Laughs.] Anyway, um, and there was also one of the SCP [Coughs.] Three Thousand Eight Dash Two which was caught and killed, which I don't like because, as I've said before they have my favourite colour, blue and um, they killed them. So, I don't really like how the Foundation is represented here. Um, and… yeah… so they killed that and then they… what… oh, they- they did an autopsy which is where they cut open a corpse and it's really disgusting.

Host: [Shivers] This part really got me. Where they do an autopsy. [Noises of disgust.] Um, and… yeah that- that's the end of the article!

Host: Um, I think there's like a collapsible at the end but I didn't really read that far. It's… kind of annoying to have to open stuff like that then… you know the description is right here. The description is over, so why would I continue reading um, yeah, I really like this description.

Host: I didn't read the Containment Procedures 'cause they are always kinda very boring, but um, the description is really good. Except for the part with day and night I really like it. And… I would give this Seventeen out of, um, I would give this, um, wait, uh, is it, uh, Three Thousand and Eight out of Three Thousand and Nine SCPs.

Host: Thanks for listenting guys. See you next week. When we discuss… I, I don't, I don't, I have no idea.

Host: Hey what's up there squeedly deedlies salutations it's just Bluesoul with another episode of SCP Bar and Grille.

Host: Make sure to subscribe and smash that like button if you enjoy this show, we're here to review another bunch of SCPs.

Host: Okay, so you'd have to be a real moron to think that this stuff was real. So today, we're looking at SCP-001. It's the big boy, right, it's the one, the only one, the one that came first. So, what've we got here? The following files have been classified top secret by order of the Administrator. So general notice, 001-Alpha, in order to prevent knowledge of SCP-001 from being leaked, several false files have been created alongside the true files and all files concerning the true nature of SCP-001, including the decoys, are protected by a memetic kill agent, designed to cause immediate cardiac arrest in any non-authorized personnel attempting to access the file.

Host: Huh. Revealing the true nature of SCP-001 to the general public is cause for execution. Warning, any non authorized personnel accessing this file will be immediately terminated through the Berryman-Langford memetic kill agent. Scrolling down without proper memetic inoculation will result in immediate cardiac arrest, followed by death. You have been warned…

Host: My dad died of cardiac arrest, that's not good.

Host: [stutters] You've been warned… So, there's not much else here. There's — it's just blank space. And it keeps going. There's a lot of blank space here, how far does it go? Oh, Jesus!

Host: It's good, it's scary. I don't see a lot of story here, but it's a good start. No vote for now. Yeah, that's gonna do it for this episode, but tune in next week. SCP Bar and Grille, thank you!

[17 seconds of white noise]

Host: What were we talking about?

Host: <in a gruff voice> So a Bro just messaged me asking, "Hey SCP Restaurant, what do you think about SCP-2000?"
[Inhales]
Host: So I went and looked it up and realized: FUCK THAT SHIT! Why the fuck would I care about some lab under Yellowstone when they don’t even fucking LIFT! Bros, it’s fuckin’ Monday, International Arm Day!

[Inhales]

Host: I will be spending my time in the glorious House of GAINZ, giving myself a sick fuckin’ pump. My guns will be hugging the sleeves, and the hoes will be on their knees!

[Pause]

Host: <regular voice> What was that mom?

[Pause]

Host: No, I’m recording a video!

[Pause]

Host: No, I don’t need a sandwich!

[Pause]

Host: Fine, I’ll take a hot-pocket!

Host: Okay [pause] so this… is… 1207.

[Long pause]

Host: It says that… it is a mirror.

Hemingway: Collar jingles

Host: But the description says it’s not a mirror.

[Super long pause]

Host: This is a mirror, you are a typo.

[Pause]

Host: And then there’s a— there’s a picture… and it’s of a mirror.

[Pause]

Host: This one’s not anomalous.

[Host moves over to Hemingway]

Host: What do you think, Hemingway?

Hemingway: Collar jingles.

Host: He doesn’t— He doesn’t have an opinion.

Host: OMG, this is the coolest lizard ever, it never dies. Rawr XD, it can beat anything that stupid Foundation has. Who needs nukes when you have plot armour lol. Rated too cool for school.

Host: What’s poppin’ everybody? It’s ya boi, welcome back to SCP Restaurant. It’s time for…

[Badly played piano begins]

Host: S-C-P, res-tau-RANT!

[Piano stops]

Host: Today lets just… get right into it. We’re gonna be reading SCP-3454. Now the first thing to note about this SCP is that its object class is Euclid, and you GOTTA love that, so.

[Pause]

Host: Wait, hold on a second. Hold up up— I recognize that photo— that’s where the tall bees are, right? I’m not— I’m not crazy here, am I? Any individual who leaves— yeah it’s right there in the first line of the containment procedures. “The Land of Tall Bees” that’s the photo of The Land of Tall Bees— or how to get to it, anyway. Not to be pedantic or anything.

Host: Did— did this person just seriously write up the tall bees as a SCP [pronounced sip] article? I mean that could be interesting, let’s see where it goes. Let me skim this.

Host: Okay, okay. Hold up— first line of the description is the designation for individuals who don’t agree that the bees are tall. I mean, you’re kinda already stretching my suspension of disbelief, but let’s go with it because this is what the Foundation is all about, right?

Host: Uh, says a lot about its discovery, how the bees are tall, and how 3454 are individuals who aren’t that interested in bees and don’t bring up that they’re tall, without… like— being prompted or anything.

Host: I dunno— like I said, stretching my suspension of disbelief, but we still got an addendum to get through, so, let me read that and tell ya what I think.

Host: Okay, skimming this, and… okay! It’s interesting— they’ve got a former lead researcher, Dr. Page, who uh, doesn’t believe that the bees are tall. That’s weird. That could be interesting.

Host: Uh, it’s only two more… it’s only three logs total. Uh, [pause] yeah Page is kinda insistent that there aren’t tall bees, that this thing is probably info-hazardous— okay, whatever. Oh, happy end, though. The rest of the group gangs together and tries to convince her— them that the bees are tall. Heartwarming.

Host: Um, reading through this I gotta say, two major complaints. One, suspension of disbelief— you gotta be willing to believe that the bees aren’t tall, and everyone knows: the bees are tall. And second complaint is, just kinda that like.. they don’t actually talk about the tall bees. [host begins to clap rhythmically] If you’re gonna talk about the tall bees, talk about the tall bees.

Host: Alright, well that’s it for me I guess. I’ll give this… three-and-a-half out of four buzzes.

[Bad piano playing]

Host: Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of SCP Restaurant. I am your host… you don't need to know that, I am your host! Can I get some applause, thank you, [clapping begins, slowly becoming louder] thank you, thank you.

Host: Today we will be looking at SCP-2030! SCP-2030 is about…

[voice becomes inaudible due to the volume of the claps]

Host: [After one minute] Shut up.

[Claps slowly become quieter]

Host: [inhales] Why hello there everybody. And uh.. welcome back to another episode of uh.. SCP restaurant. Now today I’m going to be covering.. a nice little thing called uh, or— uh.. o— or.. a-ba-ros. Alright. Ouroboros [pronounced orabaros] is the name of it.

Host: Uh.. [sighs] Eh— it’s broken up into parts.. I don’t… uhhhhh…

[Long pause]

Host: Oh. [pause] No it can’t be.. [clicks computer mouse multiple times]

[Pause]

Host: Uhhhhh…

[Long pause]

Host: Hm.

[Pause]

Host: [Incoherent mumbling]

[Long pause]

Host: Oh, uh… [clicks computer mouse more]

[Pause]

Host: Alright, um… so I read.. sorta.. uh.. [pause] thing— I’m gonna rate this a….uh… [sighs] [pause] A four snake.. outa seven.

Host: Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of SPC [sic] Restaurant, du-du-du-du-dum. Today we are looking at, this is a weird one, it doesn't actually have any, like, doesn't have a number. It just has some dots. But, um, it has a really cool picture, up on the top, it's like some black dude made up of video tapes and like [sound of a metallic object being dropped] wait, what the fu—