Jeremiah Cimmerian and the goddamn bird that goosed him
rating: +6+x

The Goose, The Bad, and The Ugly
Part I | Part II >>

Jeremiah Cimmerian woke up to the screeching beeps of his phone alarm. "Jesus…" he muttered to himself, knocking over an empty bottle of bourbon as he turned off the pesky device. Stuck with a headache and in need of a coffee, Cimmerian sat up from his bed rubbing his eyes, regretting the few drinks he had the night before.

He looked around in confusion at the computer and desk in front of him, and not the soft pillows of his bed.

"Oh, great," he said as he remembered that he has fallen asleep in his office for the third time that week. Things had been going pretty rough for him, but thankfully the room was equipped with a personal bathroom. It was the least the Command could do for staff with level four status at the Foundation.

After going through his morning routine of brushing his teeth, showering, staring off at the wall wondering if that date he had planned out over Tinder wasn't another catfish, and getting dressed, Cimmerian was ready to start his computer with a half-eaten bagel he got the night before.

You have 57 unread messages.

He opened the only message that really mattered in the last couple of days - the General Report of Recently Changes in the State of Foundation Employees, or GRoRCitSoFE for short.

Dr. Asheworth - deceased

Dr. Iceberg - missing

Dr. Whitney - deceased

Dr. Aktus - deceased

Dr. Kondraki - missing

"Goddamnit…" The list was just going on, and on.

Cimmerian thought of the last time he saw Kondraki. Even though he was an uncaring bastard, Benjamin was one of the few people left he could normally talk with nowadays.

He picked up his work phone. "Two, zero, five, three" Cimmerian typed into the machine.

Incorrect password.

"TWO, ZERO, FIVE, THREE". He typed out again, nearly smashing the screen.

Password accepted.

"What is wrong with this shit?" he murmured as he opened the application for communicating with other staff.

Call - Benjamin Kondraki.

The ringing of the dial tone swirled into Cimmerian’s head, as he remembered the last time he saw Kondraki - the bar night at a Site-19 the night before. Of course Benjamin could not resists such a beautiful occasion, and after a couple too many shots, he started bragging about that time he rode 682 into a battle with 049.
Everyone knew it was bullshit, but that didn’t stop them from having fun that night. Maybe a little bit too much fun. When that thought crossed the man’s mind, the headache got even worse. Now he knew we’re that came from

"Come on, pick up the phone…" Cimmerian whispered to himself as the phone dialed on.

No one answered.

As Cimmerian tried calling the number again, a loud crash caught his attention.

The man turned around, confused as to the source of the noise. Looking around his office, he noticed small footsteps around the entrance, leading to his toilet. Suddenly, a loud screeching sound emanated from the room. As carefully as he could, Cimmerian walked to the entrance to his most private part of the office. Just as he was about to enter the place, something flew out of it with near sound speed. Jeremiah's thoughts went to every flying anomaly they had contained. "It better not be fucking-" his thought was interrupted by something white and rather large jumping at his desk.

He discovered that a fully grown female Steinbacher goose had somehow gotten into his office. He watched with his mouth agape as the goose picked at old napkins and food wrappers it had gotten out of the waste bin and was tossing the litter around, making a terrible mess.

"Very fucking funny…." he grumbled in annoyance at the goose as he went to go shoo the pesky creature out of his office. As doctor Cimmerian approached the bird, it gave out a loud menacing honk before it lunged forward for a bit - he quickly jumped back. An amused smirk grew on his face from the failed attack.

"Go away!" he tried swatting the goose away, but his cockiness would only lead to his own disadvantage. The goose went in for a second lunge and successfully bit the man in the groin. Cimmerian doubled over onto the ground left breathless from the sudden blow. Now that the fool was incapacitated the goose was ready to deliver another blow and bit him on the leg. Cimmerian winced out from the animal's sting and began to kick it away.

Recovered from his injuries, Cimmerian dodged out of the way as the goose went in for another strike. He stood up, ready for the challenge, with determination in his eyes. The goose gave a loud mighty honk. Wings stretched out in a powerful stance. It wasn't going to back down. The two froze waiting for the other to strike, calculating their next move. The air grew colder as the tension became stronger with each passing second. Without any warning, the goose sprung up flying towards Cimmerian's face.

For a moment, his life flashed before his eyes, seeing all the moments leading up to him having a goose flying towards his face. Every regretful and every satisfying choice he made zoomed to his thoughts; Cimmerian was about to accept his fate until he remembered the twenty bucks Bright owed him. Snapping back into reality, Cimmerian made a quick fist and punched the goose while it was in mid-air, sending the bird back onto the floor and under his desk.

“That’s what you get, you feathery fuck!” Cimmerian taunted in triumph as the goose laid motionless on the floor. He was about to get a box to put the bird in when suddenly he heard the sound of ripping paper causing his heart to fall into the pit of his stomach.

"DEAR GOD, DON'T TEAR THAT APART! " Cimmerian yelled in pure terror as the goose started to rip out of pages out of the poetry journal he kept under his desk. He could only hold back despair knowing his cheap trick to seem deep and sensitive to the women at the bars was turned to confetti.

The goose gave a mocking honk as it scratched and peck at the notebook.
Enraged and tired of having to deal with this goose, Cimmerian bent over grabbing the terrible bird by the neck. He was soon met with a flurry of wings flapping rapidly as the goose kicked and squirmed in an attempted to get away from the furious man.

Cimmerian struggled with restraining the goose, trying his best to keep it from wiggling away. After wrestling the bird and nearly letting it go, he finally got both of his arms around its wings pinning them to his chest. His short moment of success was ruined by failed oversight.

Now with its neck free, the goose turned its head around and clamp its beak onto his nose. An agony filled howl escaped Cimmerian’s lungs as he pulled the goose away from his face. With each pull the goose just bit down on Cimmerian’s nose, trying its best to keep hold of the man’s face.

“LET GO!” Cimmerian yelled as he gave the final pull removing the goose from his face.

Once freed from the murder chicken’s jaws, he chucked the cursed animal across the room. The goose crashed beak first onto the floor and tumbled to the wall.
Deciding the fight was over the Ethics Committee Liaison turned around to go sit at his desk and call up maintenance staff to dispose of the goose.

However, this proven to be a fatal mistake when Cimmerian felt a sharp sting dig into his gluteus maximus, causing him to yelp out in pain. He twisted and twirled around screaming a flurry of flavorsome swears as he tried to shake the goose off his derrière. The goose sank its teeth deeper into the yellow suited man’s tushie, determined to end his entire existence.

Loud bangs and crashes came from Cimmerian’s office with a sympathy of curses that would make a sailor blush. The uproar had caught the attention of a few passing staff, causing them to stop in place.

“What the hell is up with the ethics guy?” a low-level chemist asked a site guard who just walked up to the door.

“Don’t worry about it Penny, he does this every Monday” he replied to the woman as the up roaring crashes continued.

“STOP BITING MY FUCKING ASS!” Cimmerian’s voice boomed as he burst out of the door running with the goose giving

“On second thought, we should go” The guard escorted the concerned chemist quickly in the opposite direction.

The goose chased Cimmerian through the halls like a hellhound after a southern sinner on a Sunday night. Nearby staff quickly moved out of the way for the poor bastard on the Ethics Committee with a goose hot on his trail. Cimmerian turned around corners in an attempt to shake off the goose, but it remained behind him slowly closing in the gap.

Up ahead two lower-level staff were transporting SCP-1207 back from testing. The two struggled with the weight of the mirror.

“Careful, Josh, careful…” The guard said to his colleague as they walked down the hall.

“You know Terry, it would be a lot easier if you just shut the fu-”

“MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, THERE’S A GOOSE AFTER ME!” Cimmerian cut Josh off as he came running towards them.

“What the-” Terry muttered as the yellow suited man pushed them out of the way, sending them off balance and losing grip of the mirror dropping it to the floor with a shatter, as he ran past them with the goose angrily honking after.

Cimmerian continued down the hall desperate to get the animal to stop chasing him. He looked around the hall looking for anything to use to slow the goose down. As if the universe was showing him a shred of mercy, he found one of the janitorial carts.

Rushing over to the cart, Cimmerian took out a broom and began wielding it like a mighty sword. The goose avoided the first few swings, wings fluttering as it jumped back as the broom swordsman attacked. Cimmerian kept both hands gripped firmly on the broom as he swung down at the bird continuing the dance of him swinging and the goose dodging the swings.

As he ready another swing the goose rushed in and bit Cimmerian the ankle. The bite made Cimmerian jump back with a wince and swung moving backwards keeping a fair distance between him and his enemy.

He was growing tired of swatting his adversary and wasting time, fighting a chef d'oeuvre of a rich man’s Christmas dinner. After all, Ethics Committee Liaisons had more important things to handle than intruder geese.

Annoyed that his time had been wasted, the man was just about ready to shoot the damn thing before he took the more humane route of dumping out the garbage can and kicking the goose into it, aggressively shutting the lid once the bird was inside.

The man in the yellow suit briskly walked down the hall, heading to the elevator, leaving behind a half-destroyed hallway.

The disheveled man straightened his tie as he waited for the elevator door to open, and walked in, feeling his legs cramp from all the running.

He leaned against the wall exhausted, taking a moment to catch his breath. As his heart rate settled down and the sweat was wiped from his face; one question popped into the forefront of his mind. “How did the goose get into my office?”

He tried his best to rationally explain to himself where the goose came from. Almost immediately, he regretted not shooting the damn thing to later use it for a fancy dinner. Possible reasons were ranging from someone putting the goose in his office while he was sleeping, teleportation, and the possibility of him putting the goose in there himself.

The elevator door opened and Cimmerian stepped out into the hallway, now free of the damnable bird. He walked down the hall, stuffing his hands into his pockets. His day was already made awful by being tasked by his superiors with figuring out where all the other senior staff went, and that goose gave the worst possible start for his morning. Cimmerian took in a deep breath, and just as he was about to exhale a loud nasally honk came from behind him freezing him in his place.

His eyes widened in disbelief when another honk came from behind him. Cimmerian slowly looked behind him, like a victim in a slasher film after they realized the ax murder is stalking them.

Behind the man was the goose coming at him running at full speed. On cue, he took off sprinting down the hall for his dear life. With the newfound adrenaline, Cimmerian was able to keep his distance from the deadly follower.

The two scrambled down the halls in their chase heading towards the stairs. Just as he started to bolt down the stairs, the goose flew after Cimmerian and hit him on the head, sending both of them tumbling down the stairs.

The two plummeted over each step, rolling down like two slinkies over each other. Cimmerian toppled to the bottom of the stairs crushing the goose beneath him, hearing a loud metallic crunch. Pulling himself off the ground, Cimmerian discovered the goose crushed with broken machinery poking out from it’s torn feathery skin. He looked at the broken parts slowly realizing them.

“Mechanical parts…?” Cimmerian muttered as he looked down. His eyes widened with shock when he saw the emblem of a goose with wings spread and an all-seeing eye with an arrow piercing through above it. Worst of all, the tattoo was designed to look like an official Foundation Mobile Task Force badge.

He couldn’t believe it, seeing something clearly of Foundation design on the bird. Cimmerian was about to pick up the crushed bird when suddenly it began to thrash and flap its wings about. On instinct Cimmerian pulled out his 1911 from his holster and shot at the cyborg water bird, leaving it limp on the floor.

He stood looking down at the bird trying to process the events.

He soon registered it as an inside job. But why send a goose? Surely it just had to be a prank done by Bright or someone else. Yet the reports of dead or missing Senior Staff told Cimmerian that something more sinister was going on.

Cimmerian needed to find Kondraki; if it wasn’t too late for that of course.

As he turned the corner to head to the parking garage, Cimmerian was stopped by a soft voice calling out to him.

“Hey, Doctor Cimmerian?”

He turned around to see a red-haired woman standing across the hall from him.

“Oh hi…” Cimmerian greeted the woman "It's Penny, right?"

"Right" the woman nodded "So, were you fighting a goose earlier?"

“No, that wasn’t a goose…” Cimmerian felt his face flush, reluctant to admit he had his ass handed by a goose, even if it had robotic augmentation, it was still a goose.

“It sure looked like one” the woman replied.

"I… uh… I was fighting a shape-shifting ninja" he quickly lied.

"A shape-shifting ninja that bit your ass?" Penny asked skeptically.

"Yeah, I fought an ass biting ninja! " he doubled down in an attempt to save his ego. "Listen, you work in a place with talking severed hands and trees that clone…. " Cimmerian awkwardly tried to defend his lie.

"But why a goose?" The low leveled researcher asked breaking Cimmerian's last nerve.

"You're not the only one asking that question…"

"Anyways, it was nice talking to you, but I really gotta go!" Cimmerian quickly walked off, his face bright with shame.

Penny watched as the flustered man quickly headed down the halls. The halls behind him slowly began to crumble with walls filled with gaping holes and cracks. The lights flickered and died before crushing down on the blood stained floor.

As soon as he was gone the once impressive and unfaltering halls were replaced with the ruins of a once stable Foundation.

The Goose, The Bad, and The Ugly
Part I | Part II >>


​goose somebody - to touch or press somebody’s bottom quickly

- Oxford Learner's Dictionaries

This is the first entry of team "Geese were a mistake" set in, as probably already known by everybody, the lolFoundation canon.

Special thanks to all of my wonderful critters:
- NagirosNagiros
- VeraltaVeralta
- TyumenTyumen
- and everyone else whose names I can't remember

This couldn't have been done without you!

Thanks for your time reading!

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License