Jeremiah Cimmerian and the goddamn bird that goosed him
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The Goose, The Bad, and The Ugly
Part I | Part II >>

Jeremiah Cimmerian woke up to the screeching beeps of his phone alarm. "Fucking…" - he muttered to himself, knocking over an empty bottle of bourbon as he turned off the pesky device. Now stuck with a headache and in need of a coffee, Cimmerian sat up from his bed rubbing his eyes, regretting the few drinks he had the night before.

He looked around in confusion at the computer and desk in front of him, and not the soft pillows of his bed.

"Oh, great," he said as he remembered that he has fallen asleep in his office for the third time that week. Things had been going pretty rough for him, but thankfully the room was equipped with a personal bathroom. It was the least the Command could do for staff with level four status at the Foundation.

After going through his morning routine of brushing his teeth, showering, staring off at the wall wondering if that date he had planned out over Tinder wasn't another catfish, and getting dressed, Cimmerian was ready to start his computer with a half-eaten bagel he got the night before.

You have 57 unread messages.

He opened the only message that really mattered - the General Report of Recently Deceased Individuals.

Dr. Asheworth - deceased

Dr. Iceberg - missing

Dr. Whitney - deceased

Dr. Aktus - deceased

Dr. Kondraki - missing

"Fuck…" The list was just going on, and on.

Cimmerian thought of the last time he saw Kondraki. Even though he was an uncaring bastard, the man was one of the few people left he could normally talk with.

He picked up his work phone. "Two, zero, five, three" Cimmerian typed into the machine.

Incorrect password.

"TWO, ZERO, FIVE, THREE". He typed out again, nearly smashing the screen.

Password accepted.

"What is wrong with this shit?" he murmured as he opened the application for communicating with other staff.

Call - Benjamin Kondraki.

No one answered.

As Cimmerian tried calling Kondraki's number again, a loud crash caught his attention.

The man turned around, confused as to the source of the noise. Looking around his office, he noticed small footsteps around the entrance, leading to his toilet. Suddenly, a loud screeching sound emanated from the room. As carefully as he could, Cimmerian walked to the entrance to his most private part of the office. Just as he was about to enter the place, something flew out of it with near sound speed. Jeremiah's thoughts went to every flying anomaly they had contained. "It better not be fucking-" his thought was interrupted by something white and rather large jumping at his desk.

A fully grown female Steinbacher goose that had somehow gotten into his office. He watched with his mouth agape as the goose picked out old napkins and food wrappers from the toilet waste bin and was tossing the litter around, making a terrible mess.

"Very fucking funny…." he grumbled in annoyance at the goose as he went to go shoo the pesky creature out of his office. As Doctor Cimmerian approached the bird, it gave out a loud menacing honk before it lunged forward for a bit - he quickly jumped back. An amused smirk grew on his face from the failed attack.

"Fuck off!" He tried swatting the goose away, but his cockiness would only lead to his own disadvantage. The goose went in for a second lunge and successfully bit him in the groin. Cimmerian doubled over on to the ground left breathless from the sudden blow. Now that the fool was incapacitated the goose was ready to deliver another blow and bit him on the leg. Cimmerian winced out from the animal's sting and began to kick it away.

Recovered from his injuries, Cimmerian dodged out of the way as the goose went in for another strike. He stood up, ready for the challenge, with determination in his eyes. The goose gave a loud mighty honk. Wings stretched out in a powerful stance. It wasn't going to back down. The two froze waiting for the other to strike, calculating their next move. The air grew colder as the tension became stronger with each passing second. Without warning the goose sprung up flying towards Cimmerian's face.

For a moment, his life flashed before his eyes, seeing all the moments leading up to him having a goose flying towards his face. Every regretful and every satisfying choice he made zoomed to his thoughts; Cimmerian was about to accept his fate until he remembered the twenty bucks Bright owed him. Snapping back into reality Cimmerian made a quick fist and bunch the goose while it was in mid-air, sending the bird back onto the floor and under his desk.

“That’s what you get, ducker!” Cimmerian taunted in triumph as the goose laid motionless on the floor. He was about to get a box to put the bird in when suddenly he heard the sound of ripping paper causing his heart to fall into the pit of his stomach.

"DEAR GOD DON'T TEAR THAT APART! " Cimmerian yelled in pure terror as the goose started to rip out of pages out of the poetry journal he kept under his desk. He could only hold back despair knowing his cheap trick to seem deep and sensitive to the women at the bars was turned to confetti. The goose gave a mocking honk as it scratched and peck at the notebook. Enraged and tired of having to deal with this goose, Cimmerian bent over grabbing the terrible bird by the neck. He was soon met with a flurry of wings flapping rapidly as the goose kicked and squirmed in an attempted to get away from the furious man.
Cimmerian struggled with restraining the goose, trying his best to keep it from wiggling away. After wrestling the bird and nearly letting the goose go, he finally got both of his arms around its wings pinning the goose to his chest. His short moment of success was ruined by his failed oversight.
Now with its neck free, the goose turned its head around and clamp its beak onto his nose. An agony filled howl escaped Cimmerian’s lungs as he pulled the goose away from his face. With each pull the goose just bit down on Cimmerian’s nose, trying its best to keep hold of the man’s face.
“LET GO!” Cimmerian yelled as he gave the final pull removing the goose from his face.
Once freed from the murder chicken’s jaws, he chucked the cursed animal across the room. The goose crashed beak first onto the floor and tumbled to the wall.
Deciding the fight was over the Ethics Committee Liaison turned around to go sit at his desk and call up maintenance staff to dispose of the goose.

However, this proven to be a fatal mistake when Cimmerian felt a sharp sting dig into his gluteus maximus, causing him to yelp out in pain. He twisted and twirled around screaming a flurry of flavorsome swears as he tried to shake the goose off his derrière. The goose sank its teeth deeper into the yellow suited man’s tushie, determined to end his entire existence.

Loud bangs and crashes came from Cimmerian’s office with a sympathy of curses that would make a sailor blush. The uproar had caught the attention of a few passing staff, causing them to stop in place.
“What the hell is up with the ethics guy?” a low-level chemist asked a site guard who just walked up to the door.
“Don’t worry about it Penny, he does this every Monday” He replied to the woman as the uproaring crashes continued.
“STOP BITING MY FUCKING ASS!” Cimmerian’s voice boomed as he burst out of the door running with the goose giving
“On second thought, we should go” The guard escorted the concerned chemist quickly in the opposite direction.

The goose chased Cimmerian through the halls like a hellhound after a southern sinner on a Sunday night. Nearby staff quickly moved out of the way for the poor bastard on the Ethics Committee with a goose hot on his trail. Cimmerian turned around corners in an attempt to shake off the goose, but it remained behind him slowly closing in the gap.

Up ahead two lower-level staff were transporting SCP-1207 back from testing. The two struggled with the weight of the mirror.
“Careful, Josh, careful…” The guard said to his colleague as they walked down the hall.
“You know Terry, it would be a lot easier if you just shut the fu-”
“MOVE OUT OF THE WAY THERE’S A FUCKING GOOSE AFTER ME!” Cimmerian cut Josh off as he came running towards them.
“What the fu-” Terry muttered as the yellow suited man pushed them out of the way, sending them off balance and losing grip of the mirror dropping it to the floor with a shatter, as he ran past them with the goose angrily honking after.

Cimmerian continued down the hall desperate to get the goose to stop chasing him. He looked around the hall looking for anything to use to slow the goose down. As if the universe was showing him a shred of mercy, he found one of the janitorial carts. Rushing over to the cart, Cimmerian took out a broom and began wielding it like a mighty sword. The goose avoided the first few swings, wings fluttering as it jumped back as the broom swordsman attacked. Cimmerian kept both hands gripped firmly on the broom as he swung down at the bird continuing the dance of him swinging and the goose dodging the swings.

As he readied another swing, the goose rushed in and bit Jeremiah on the ankle. The bite made the man jump back with a wince and swung moving backwards keeping a fair distance between him and the goose.

He was quick on his feet blocking the goose’s strikes with the broom, like a paladin fighting off a roc. Though as bravely as he fought, Cimmerian’s stamina was starting to run low and his blocks began to slow down. He needed to run, but he also needed to buy himself some time to get far away from the murder chicken.

The Goose, The Bad, and The Ugly
Part I | Part II >>

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