Connor's Draft No.4
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Jeff.jpg

SCP-019-J. Image taken from subject's Facebook account.

Item #: SCP-019-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-019-J is free to roam the site at any time and is kept inside a standard humanoid containment chamber. No other containment procedures are necessary as SCP-019-J presents no threat.

UPDATE: Due to the incident, Staff are to monitor the planet for any Stercus Events. Should such an event occur, MTF-Kappa-Mikey ("Lost in Japan") are to be notified for a Code Brown and are to be sent for clean-up of the location.

Description: SCP-019-J refers to Jeffery Püpler, a 33 year old man, previously employed as a telemarketer for the Tesco retail company. SCP-019-J is physically non-anomalous aside from the portal inside his anal cavity.

SCP-019-J's primary anomaly is an extra-spatial portal located within the anal canal of the subject. This portal is capable of expanding and contracting alongside the sphincter muscles within SCP-019-J, because of this, SCP-019-J does not excrete any feces or pass gas. Objects passing through SCP-019-J's digestive system will eventually end up somewhere on Earth. Likewise, objects inserted through SCP-019-J's colon will also end up at a random location as well, termed as a "Stercus Event". This functions as a two-way portal to a randomized location on Earth with varying degrees of altitude.

Discovery: SCP-019-J was recovered by agents from King's College Hospital in the United Kingdom after a doctor called to inform that the camera used for SCP-019-J's colonoscopy test had "taken a view of the northern lights in Sweden." Agents responded appropriately and were sent to the location for extraction.

Addendum 019-J.01: Log of SCP-019-J Stercus Events.
Date Location Notes
02/11/2009 Frisco, Texas. Stool was discovered during a match between the Dallas Cowboys and the Kansas Crocodiles when Dallas Cowboy player, Zack Martin, slipped and fell on said stool, to which he accused the opposing team of rigging the game by "planting the mines." This match costed both teams a round in the NFL playoffs.
10/23/2009 Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Stool was discovered when a window cleaner saw fecal matter smeared across the roof of the skybridge that connected the Petronas Towers. Stool was cleaned with the cleaner administered an amnestic dose.
04/03/2011 Rub' al Khali desert, Arabian peninsula. Stool was discovered by an air-drone. It was deduced that this stool could not have been done by anyone within the region as the desert stretched for miles with no civilians in sight. Stool was cleaned up by being covered in sand by the drone.
20/12/2013 Upper Exosphere, Earth. Stool was discovered by a passing Foundation satellite in orbit around the planet. "Clearly, I'm not getting paid enough for this shit. I'm not getting that frozen turd in space for analysis. Fetch it yourself." - Agent Browning, Leader of MTF-Kappa-Mikey.
25/12/2013 The White House, Washington D.C. Stool was said to have fallen on the desk of the Oval Office. The White House was immediately locked down with President Obama being taken to the underground bunker within The White House on the grounds of a "Biological Terrorist Attack." Amnestics were administered to all individuals involved in the incident with media traffic shut down and the president being informed that it was just a harmless prank.
03/11/2015/ Melbourne, Australia. Stool was found in the Melbourne Zoo within the pouch of a mother kangaroo by caretakers. GoI-466 (Wilson's Wildlife Solutions) were sent by mistake, believing that the kangaroo carrying the stool, known as "Jenny", was anomalous by way of materializing fecal matter inside it's pouch.
14/01/2016 [REDACTED], United States. Stool was discovered by Agent Lawrence on top of his Shepard's Pie in the cafeteria of Site-17. Both the stool and the pie were disposed of. Agent Lawrence was not given compensation for the last Shepard's Pie in the cafeteria.

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Floc·ci·nau·ci·ni·hil·i·pil·i·fi·ca·tion

noun
The act or habit of describing or regarding something as unimportant, of having no value or being worthless.

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