Our Cast

049: A professional doctor.
Dr. Spanko: An all seeing being that descended from the heavens to save the earth.
Researcher Alces: Some weird fuck with hiccups.
Nurse #1 A very stressed-out woman in her early-twenties with greying hairs.
Nurse #2 049-J wearing a mask

Begin Scene:

(SCENE: A clean surgery room with a single operation table in the center. On the table there is D-Class personnel with a Y-cut incision running across their chest, over the patient is a hunched over the figure, wearing a bird mask, muttering to themselves. On their left is a small table with various surgical tools scattered on it. The entire scene is sterile save for the muddy boots of the masked figure and the scaple in his hands. The doctor appears to be prodding something in the center of the Y incistion staring at it thoughtfully before moving down. All the while he is looking for the connection between the stomach and the heart wanting to prove the age old adage correct. He sighs in dissappointment and begins to close up the body when NURSE #1 enters scene panting and freaked out.)

NURSE #1: Doctor! Come quick, there's a patient that needs immediate attention!

049: Humm? What is the issue with th-

Researcher Alces: (From off stage) CACK!

049: (Immediately looks up and tilts his head.) Oh?

Researcher Alces: (Now limping on stage from the left. More noise can be heard from within him.) CACK! (The head of a corncrake pops into Researcher Alces mouth. He coughs and stumbles back before dry heaving .)

049: (Rushing to the Researcher gripping his shoulder so he can stand.) Oh dear, good Doctor what happened?!

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Researcher Alces: I was just sleeping and I woke up wi- (049 lifts up a hand stopping him from speaking.)

049: Not you, (049 points to his now corncrake-head-shaped-treachae.) I was talking to him. Now then, Good Doctor what did happen to you?

Dr. Spanko: (From within Researcher Alces)CACK, AM SLIPPED WHEN FAMISHED STRANGLEFRUITS.

Researcher Alces: (in-between coughs) Mother of God, you don't have to scream we can all hear you. Oversized chicken (With the last sentence being said under his breath.)

049: (glares at Researcher Alces before poking his throat.) Please, don't insult the good doctor. He might have been checking for strep, it has been going around the office you know.

Researcher Alces: (In an exasperated tone) He was eating my goddamned uveal!

Dr. Spanko: WAS STRANGLEFRUIT IN DISGUISE! (At this the figure of the corncrake head disappears from the skin followed by the distressed calls of a bird.) AM FALLEN DOWN FLESH CARPET INTO STINGING SPRING.

049: Mhm, I see (He kneels down and cups his hands and yells into Researcher Alces stomach.) GOOD DOCTOR, CAN YOU GET OUT OF THERE? (Presses where an ear would be located on his bird face to Researcher Alces stomach.)


049: (Pulls away his head in a dramatic fashion before yelling into Researcher Alces stomach.) I see I'll get you out of there Good Doctor do not fear! (Rushes over to the surgery table and shoves the body onto the floor causing its organs to splatter across the ground with loud splatting sound as Nurse #1 looks on in horror. He stands up and motions Researcher Alces to the table.) Please do give my apologies to the janitor, tell him it was an urgent situation.

(Researcher Alces tentatively walks toward the table and sits on the still warm and bloody surgery table.)

049: (Looks around the room for anesthesia before rushing out to find some.) Keep an eye on the patient!

(Nurse #1 opens her mouth before letting out an exasperated sigh and stares at Researcher Alces in utter confusion. After a minute, Researcher Alces shrugs and attempts to clean the blood off of the table. Nurse #1 then looks around and motions for Alces to stop moving. A familiar tune can be slightly heard off the scene. Nurse #1 rushes to the door in an attempt to look at who is coming, though the door swings open, sending Nurse #1 across the room like a ragdoll. Nurse #2 waltz on the scene swinging their hips and humming the same tune. On their face is a recently printed out paper mask with one of the eye holes having the pointy tip of the doctoral mask sticking through it. Both Researcher Alces and Nurse #1 cover up their noses to protect them from the terrible rotting scent coming off of Nurse #2.)

Nurse #1: Dear God, have you taken a shower in the past — oh god the fuckin smell is in my mouth. (She proceeds to dry heave and curse at the creature.)

Nurse #2: Oh hmmm that does not matter, my fine snake oil can remedy the smell. Now then do please tell me where the poor sickly patient is so I may administer the cure.

Nurse #1: What?!

Nurse #2: (Turns around to see Nurse #1 revealing a mask a paper mask covering up his bird-like mask.) Well, I need to see a patient, because I need to cure them.

Nurse #1: Like any patient?

Nurse #2: Indeed I have to cure to all ailments within my proper doctorey bag. (Nurse #2 holds up a Hot Pink child's play kit.) Unfortunately, I lost my last one, though I didn't have to worry since they sell such proper equipment at Wal-mart.

(Nurse #1 and Researcher Alces both stare at each other before looking back at Nurse #2. Nurse #2's mask begins to tear as he sets down his fancy doctoral bag. )

Nurse #2: Now I must ask again, where is a patient at? (At this point the mask is almost fully torn as is hanging by a thread off of Nurse#2's head.)

Researcher Alces: What's up with your -CACK!

Nurse #2: Oh? I mean that's quite rude of you, my hat is quite wonderful.

Researcher Alces: (Shakes his head) No your face, what's up with your face?

Nurse #2: Hmm my face is quite normal yes indeed…

Researcher Alces: What about the mask?

Nurse #2: Oh, this? (Nurse #2 points at the human mask, before taking it off revealing his pointy doctor man mask) I mean it's uncomfortable why?

Researcher Alces: Just- CACK ME AM STUCK!

049-J: Oh what?

Dr. Spanko: (Still shouting from within Researcher Alces) AM STUCK WITHIN STRANGLEFRUIT SACK THOUGH NO STRANGLEFRUITS EAT

Nurse #2: Oh I see, (Nurse #2 makes a heroic stance) DO NOT WORRY TINY VOICE WITHIN I SHALL SAVE YOU WITH MY- pause for dramatic effect (pulls out a pointy stick out of his sleeves) my POINTY DOCTOREY STICK.

Researcher Alces: Oh fu-

Nurse #2: (Hits Researcher Alces in a batting motion causing Dr. Spanko to get dislodged from Researcher Alces' trachea.) Haha, I have freed the small voice from you, though there is more to cure. (Nurse #2 raises his pointy doctor stick.)

Researcher Alces: No, No, NO, N-


Nurse #2: (Stops and points his pointy doctorey stick at Dr. Spanko.) How dare you say such things you imbecile of a bird.


Nurse #2: Fine, well then I suppose we must fight to the death for the honor of out titles. (Takes up a fencing stance) In Gourd.

Dr. Spanko: CACK (Proceeds to jump on and crawl around on Nurse #2's face while Nurse #2 hits himself with a pointy doctor stick.)

(049 enters the scene carrying a single tank of anesthesia and stops watching the scene of the fight unfold. Nurse #1's face fills with relief as she runs over to the Doctor.)

Nurse #1: Dear Doctor you must do something they're fighting, and-

049: (Holds up his hand towards the nurse before yelling at Dr. Spanko.) Good doctor, I suggest you move.

(Dr. Spanko flies off of Nurse #2 neck and lands on 049's shoulder. Nurse #2 spins around and is hit by the canister of anesthesia. He falls to the floor with moss and tiny doctor masks flying of his cloaks like confetti. After which, Researcher Alces, in extreme pain, writes around and accidentally kicks over a lamp which lands on the surgery table causing a thousand tools to land on Nurse #2's cloak, trapping him in place.)

Nurse #2: (Groans while he tries to get back up.) I'll get you two next time!

(049 and Dr. Spanko look towards each other before slowly backing out of the room. Nurse #1 helps up Researcher Alces and guides him to the doorway. Before exiting the room Researcher Alces slams the door leaving Nurse #2 alone to plot out his escape hasty escape, as well as googling craft stores where he could purchase a pointy doctor stick.)

End Scene

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