Crispy Sex Pirates (CSP) - Series
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Summary: The "Crispy Sex Pirates" idea stems from SCP-\̅\̅\̅\̅-J, an SCP made entirely using the Botnik program. Yes, the summary is exactly what the name is. If the first Crispy Sex Pirates article does good I intend on writing a series about it.

Alternate Name: What does CSP officially stand for other than "Crispy Sex Pirates"?

Timeline: Takes place during the Eighth Deviant Crusade, which coincides (in the prime universe) with the Second Eigenweapon Crisis.

Setting: The Gulf of the Quetzalcoatl Republic. It's basically a modern anomalous take on Pirates of the Caribbean. The entire gulf is free from Sharkicist interference and is a grey area under the Marianas Treaty.

Characters: Who are the CSP members? Who necromantically possessed them? Who are their allies? Who are their enemies? Which members of the anomalous community (GoIs) do they interact with?

  • Equipment: What do they use, anomalous or otherwise, during their salvaging operation?

Story: In the SPC universe, a group of necromantically resurrected cadavers are given life by an unknown force. The group is extracted from the mass cadaver pile of the Mongol Empire (alt-history Mongolia) and transported to the Gulf of the Quetzalcoatl Republic (alt-history Gulf of Mexico). The group becomes known as the CSP, or Crispy Sex Pirates, and man a ship known as the CSP Daddy's Princess. Travelling on the border between the landlubbers and the Sharkicists, the Crispy Sex Pirates run a salvaging operation during the Eighth Deviant Crusade. Rest of the story TBD

Groups of Interest (GoIs): While this takes place in the SPC universe, the Centre will be a jumping off point and will not be the primary focus of the story. They're a framing device. That said, potential groups of interest include:

  • Coharminous Pelagic Society (CPS)
  • Boatswains of the Cog of God (BotCoG)
  • Great American Watchmen (GAW)
  • Liberated Cetacean Union (LCU)
  • Marshal, Carter, and Shark Ltd — Whereabouts of Mr. Shark are currently unknown.
  • Navigations Unseen (NU) — The esoteric arm of the Global Organization of Countries (yes, it's one of those)
  • Poseidon Laboratories
  • Containment Initiative — The SCP Foundation Department of Extra-Universal Affairs caused a schism in the Centre
  • Sharkicist Cults — Worshippers of the Mistaken Beast
  • World Wildlife Foundation (WWF) — Because there's no such thing as too many Foundations
  • The Union of American States' Center for Institutionalised Impacting (UASCII) — A proto-Centre organization with a ridiculous name

SCPs/SPCs Referenced:


The thing that inspired this ridiculous idea:

Item #: SCP-3570

Object Class: Euclid Safe

Special Containment Procedures: The searches are not optional. Information pertaining to SCP-3570 is to be suppressed until confirmation of the appendicitis diagnosis (blood). Individuals exposed to SCP-3570 must be administered Class-B amnestics and repurposed as the feast. In order to ensure that no members of the public are able to view SCP-3570, it must have written permission from Site-28 Roget to take over the Gulf of Mexico.

Procedure Lambda Manos is to remain constantly monitored for possible issues with the following:

  • Breakfast sensation
  • Initiating flight path through the skin layer
  • Silly crab productions
  • Agent Cooper's sexual education
  • Facility Director Shirley Gillespie and the smell her body is wrapped in

Dr. Oswald is currently available for further details.1 Deceased relatives are no help.

Description: SCP-3570 refers to a 2 km2 area of landmass deep in ape corpses piled outside Mongolia. A single living instance is currently believed to absorb nutrients directly from a sock full of dead insects and pigeons. Within SCP-3570, no specimen of balaenoptera (another placental mammal) vessels have been found in the location other than cloud types.

Protruding from SCP-3570 is a male humanoid figure approximately five corpses tall. The subject is able to exert an extreme amount of food products filled with spherical members from its body. Further investigation revealed the composition of its body to be an infinitely special holiday stuff.2 When questioned, the subject reported itself to be made of softened materials incapable of being communist.

SCP-3570 has been found to produce fragrance with its corpse creatures. Clinging to the top layer is a very slight minty smell, thought to originate from further beneath the shroud.

Addendum: SCP-3570 was discovered after reports of males becoming inexplicably harmless people were recovered. All personnel assigned to SCP-3570 have been found completely emptied of contents. Removing their dead bodies started feeling kind of formal, and the smell was later described as "crispy sex pirates".

Agent Maxwell lost some vital minutes before abandoning flesh itself.

Dr. Oswald: I want to talk to you directly into the transcript.

Agent Maxwell: Copy that. What makes sense to you is worthless to me. Father wanted a fresh source of noise, and we wanted a good time. All the memories I've written on the back of his skin have become a single footnote in his head.

Dr. Oswald: Why do you still have anything to do the face protruding from behind me?

Agent Maxwell: I was pretty much the only Foundation personnel in the area. No more perpetual snake species. Apart from my mouth, the whole world felt alien. The effect had turned my hand to a skeletal golem. This place probably spread beyond its body and watched as I cried. All I could think was, "this asshole killed my fucking sass threshold."

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