gumballs
rating: 0+x
2/5595 LEVEL 2/5595
CLASSIFIED
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Item #: SCP-5595
Safe

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SCP-5595

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5595 is to be contained within the Level-4 cafeteria and is allowed to roam freely within it. Communication with SCP-5595 is encouraged, but personnel are advised to remain respectful when interacting with it. Personnel may purchase a gumball from it after asking permission to do so. SCP-5595 may ask questions pertaining to the foodstuffs personnel are consuming; this is considered normal and acceptable.

Should SCP-5595 attempt to exit the Level-4 cafeteria, it is to be escorted to a safe-level containment chamber.


Description: SCP-5595 is a sapient, unbranded gumball machine. The main body of SCP-5595 is composed of red-painted steel with a standard U.S. quarter coin slot/turn handle retrieval system. This is bolted to an iron pole ending in four metal legs. Above this section is a spherical glass dome that appears to act as SCP-5595's visual and auditory organs. Atop the dome is a red metal cap and keyhole.1

SCP-5595 is capable of locomotion by use of wheels connected under the legs of its stand. These legs also enable the entity to hop short distances allowing it to ascend and descend staircases. SCP-5595 has a tendency to topple over, requiring assistance from personnel.

SCP-5595 will speak intelligently, with its voice emitting from a hidden speaker system within the main body portion. Standard audio analysis has not uncovered any conclusive matches due to it being highly modulated and barely intelligible at times.

SCP-5595 was recovered in the first-floor lobby of Site-322, claiming to be "Substitute Site-Director" after Site-Director Lague took a personal leave of absence. Recovery protocols were enacted and SCP-5595 was easily captured and placed in a safe-class containment chamber. A paper note card was found taped to SCP-5595's dome reading, "Heard you needed a pinch hitter :) ~ Happy Pals Command".


Addendum Two — Primary Interviews


An interview was conducted with SCP-5595 following its initial recovery.

«BEGIN LOG»

(SCP-5595 is standing directly against its door, peering out of the window. Dr. Croix knocks.)

Dr. Croix: Move back, please.

(No response or movement. Croix knocks again.)

Dr. Croix: We're going to have a quick talk. Just to figure everything out, okay?

(Squeaking from its wheels as it rolls towards the interview table. Dr. Croix enters.)

Dr. Croix: (He takes his seat, SCP-5595 stands on the other end of the table.) We probably have no use for that other chair.

SCP-5595: YES.

Dr. Croix: How about we start with names? I am Dr. Anthony Croix, we haven't designated you in the database yet so feel free to tell me what you'd like to be called.

SCP-5595: I AM SITE-DIRECTOR GEOFFREY QUINCY HARRISON THE THIRD.

Dr. Croix: (Pause.) Alright. Let's start out with the elephant in the room here.

(SCP-5595 moves back and forth, apparently nodding.)

Dr. Croix: We have a Site-Director already, Dr—

SCP-5595: YES DOCTOR GEOFFREY QUINCY HARRISON THE THIRD.

Dr. Croix: No. Dr. Paul Lague.

SCP-5595: I HAVE HEARD OF THIS PAUL LAGUE. IS HE NOT ON HOLIDAY?

Dr. Croix: Yes, Director Lague is on vacation, however that does not mean—

SCP-5595: YES, THEN THERE IS NO SITE-DIRECTOR FOR THE TIME BEING. MAKING ME, DOCTOR GEOFFREY (Static for three seconds) QUINCY HARRISON THE THIRD, SITE-DIRECTOR GEOFFREY QUINCY HARRISON THE THIRD.

Dr. Croix: I'm afraid that's not true.

SCP-5595: IT HAS ALREADY BEEN SETTLED. BACK TO WORK, DOCTOR, I HAVE SITE-DIRECTING TO DO.

Dr. Croix: We're not finished yet, I'm afraid. We need to know who the “Happy Pals Command” are.

(SCP-5595 wheels over to Dr. Croix and pushes against his chair.)

SCP-5595: ANOTHER STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME. TIME TO SECURE AND CONTAIN AND PROTECT. UP AND AT THEM. (Croix stands. SCP-5595 ceases pushing him.) THAT IS THE SPIRIT.

Dr. Croix: (Whispering to control.) Entity is belligerent, may need guards to extract me.

SCP-5595: HELLO YES CONTROL, (Static for five seconds) PLEASE BRING ME TO MY OFFICE. DR. CROIX IS HOSTING A MUTINY.

Dr. Croix: (Whispering to control.) Ignore it. Just send guards. Honestly, it won't get far, but Lague'll be mad if we have to report a breach while he's away.

«END LOG»

The following day, SCP-5595 returned to standing against its door and staring out of it. After another day, it commenced ramming itself into against the door for 29 continuous hours. It then began emitting static for another 23 continuous hours while continuing to hit itself against the door. Dir. Lague returned during these events and attempted another interview.

«BEGIN LOG»

(A rhythmic metal tapping overlayed with the sound of static is audible. Lague approaches the door and the behavior ceases.)

Dir. Lague: Hello?

SCP-5595: AH, YOU HAVE RETURNED. ENTER.

(Lague enters.)

Dir. Lague: I've heard a bit about you.

SCP-5595: YES, I WAS SITE-DIRECTOR GEOFFREY QUINCY HARRISON THE THIRD IN YOUR STEAD. SADLY, DUE TO TRAITORS LOCKING ME IN THIS PRISON, I WAS UNABLE TO SECURE AND CONTAIN AND THE LIKE.

Dir. Lague: Gotcha. I read a transcript when I came back here. Saw you gave Dr. Croix quite the earful.

SCP-5595: DR. CROIX IS A DIRTY CONSPIRATOR. I ARRIVE FOR NO MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES BEFORE I WAS ASSAULTED. (Static) WHAT KIND OF PLACE ARE YOU RUNNING HERE?

Dir. Lague: Let me cut to the chase. Two things I need to know. One: Who are the “Happy Pals Command?”

SCP-5595: (A beep followed by static for twelve seconds, then silence.)

Dir. Lague: Repeat that, please.

SCP-5595: APOLOGIES. LET ME TRY AND BE MORE CLEAR. (A beep followed by static for twelve seconds, then silence.)

Dir. Lague: (Mumbling) For the love of God. (Static from SCP-5595) Ok, next question: I walked into the midst of your outburst, which had apparently been going on for almost three days—

SCP-5595: YES. I WAS FALSLY IMPRISONED.

Dir. Lague: Uh-huh. Anyways, when I leave this cell, are you starting that up again?

SCP-5595: MOST LIKELY.

Dir. Lague: And I assume you won't get tired out?

SCP-5595: THAT IS THE CORRECT ASSUMPTION.

Dir. Lague: I see. As a former site-director, you should know that distractions such as your noises really don't help anyone.

SCP-5595: NEITHER DOES FALSE IMPRISONMENT, WHICH DOES NOT ALLOW ME TO FULFILL MY DUTIES.

Dir. Lague: From what I saw in the tape, you're not a danger to anyone.

SCP-5595: NOT YET.

Dir. Lague: Mhm, so, how about we assign you to investigate the Level-4 cafeteria? I heard there were some oddities in there.

(Silence.)

SCP-5595: THIS SOUNDS LIKE B. S.

Dir. Lague: Hey, we can just throw you in a padded, soundproof cell. I just have to get the amenities delivered and we'll call it a day.

SCP-5595: I WOULD NOT LIKE THAT.

Dir. Lague: Thought so. Now, how about we save me some money, my employees some headache, and you some loneliness?

SCP-5595: I WILL AGREE TO THAT.

«END LOG»


Addendum Two — Further Incidents


SCP-5595’s investigations began on 1/12/2015. Surveillance logs show the entity interviewing personnel on their lunch breaks, and was all around an amicable, albeit somewhat intrusive, addition to the cafeteria. Only one incident of hostility was documented from SCP-5595; a researcher attempted to purchase a gumball from the entity without asking the machine first. SCP-5595 pushed the researcher before requesting him to “buy [it] a drink first” before rolling away.

SCP-5595 made a single discovery during the first eight months of its investigation. In a frenzied state, the entity demanded a meeting with Director Lague. Upon being granted one, it revealed that the kitchen staff had replaced mashed potatoes with cauliflower mashed potatoes in an attempt “to poison staff.” Director Lague thanked SCP-5595 for the vital information and allowed it to return to the cafeteria to continue investigating the foodstuffs.

Personnel are not permitted to inform SCP-5595 of the recently implemented diet program.

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