Item #: SCP-3681-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: All SCP-3681-J instances are contained in a modified containment cell resembling a regulation soccer field. In order to assure a minimum threat to normalcy, SCP-3681-J instances are to be left unaware of the outside world, the only human contact being with Foundation personnel.

Description: SCP-3681-J refers to sixteen roughly human-sized hands. SCP-3681-J instances are mostly identical to human hands, except for their large size and for two human feet at the ends of their index and middle fingers. SCP-3681-J instances are sapient, and are capable of speech, sight, and hearing, despite lacking the necessary organs and other biological components to do so.

SCP-3681-J instances possess a wide variety of reality-bending abilities, the full extent of which is unknown. However, some instances have threatened K-Class scenarios (see Addendum 3681-J.1).

SCP-3681-J instances are divided into two factions, with eight members each. Each faction is totally consolidated in its beliefs and opinions amongst one another. However, the two factions are also totally contrary to one another in their ideologies.

Whenever SCP-3681-J factions enter into a dispute over the execution of their ideologies, they will usually resolve it using a game of soccer1. The winning faction will be able to execute their agenda, without interference from the opposing faction.

Addendum 3681-J.1: During a discussion between the two factions, one faction concluded that all humans deserve to die, and was willing to instigate an XK-Class scenario to do so. The two factions engaged in a soccer game to settle their dispute.

For the few days before the game was scheduled to begin, Foundation personnel hired professional soccer coaches to train the SCP-3681-J instances opposing an XK-Class scenario, in order to maximize their chances at winning.

Foundation Researchers Schimberg and Yeomans recorded the game, and additional agents were present and operating SRAs, in order to intervene should the faction supporting an XK-Class scenario win the game.

[Extant and non-essential gameplay redacted, available upon request.]

[At the game's end, the score was even at 5 - 5.]

Schimberg: I'm assuming they'll go overtime then?

Yeomans: I think- wait, what's going on?

[Two SCP-3681-J instances, one from each team, began jumping up and down.]

Schimberg: Um, excuse me! What's going on right now?

SCP-3681-J Instance: We're settling the draw the way we always do! Rock, paper, scissors! Best seven out of thirteen!

Schimberg: Well, that's a bit of a random number.

Yeomans: Wait, this is ridiculous! All that time spent training, and the fate of the world is being settled over a game of rock, paper, scissors?

Schimberg: Well, our hands are tied.

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