I'm Writing An Article

It was a large and grand office, something most folks would be jealous of. Indeed, had the mess been cleaned up a bit, it would have been a lovely office to be in, aside from its owner. The room was cluttered, but the three most important things in it were the desk, a wooden chair facing it, and another, cushioned chair behind the desk; both seats were occupied.

Researcher Smalls sat in the first chair, facing Dr. Bold at his desk.

"Oh, no."

"Seriously?" asked Bold, "What's wrong with me?"

"Everything! You pulled me from a pataphysical deletion void-"

"And? I saved you!"

Smalls stood up. "No. We're not- absolutely not."

"You don't even know what I'm going to ask!"

"If you pulled me in here for a narrative issue, then you want some help manipulating the universe or something like that because pataphysics or whatever!"

Bold held up his hands defensively. "It has nothing to do with-"

"Oh, I see. Is this about making Minecraft 2?"


They stood there in silence for a moment, Smalls looking at Bold with disbelieving skepticism.

"I'm doing that later."

Smalls threw his hands into the air with exasperation. "Great. Fine. What is it you want then?"

"I just want to write a report, for a skip."

"What? Why do you need my help with that?"

Bold pulled out a document and handed it to Smalls. He looked and saw that it was the SCP-3309 documentation. "How did you get the clearance for-" he placed his head in his hands and groaned. "Bold. Why."

"Please, just help me!"

"You are breaking so many laws here! Foundation and natural ones! No, I'm not gonna help you!"

"Come on!" said Bold, "It's right up your alley! I've been in a bit of a slump lately, and we can't let this one die! I just need to use some of your pataphysics magic, help me with the object's narrative, and then boom! We have ourselves a new SCP in the database!"

"Pataphysics magic? Do you have any idea what you're talking about?"

"No. I just want it to be able to survive the effects of 3309."

Researcher Smalls massaged his face. He had no idea what was going on, only that Bold was being an idiot. "So you want me to help you write a story."


"Out of an anomaly."


Smalls moaned. No. He wasn't going to- he sighed.

"Alright, what do you have?"

Bold clapped lightly and giggled. "Yay! So we're kind of dealing with…" his voice trailed off as Smalls escaped the mad ramblings into the recesses of his own head. He was going to regret this so, so much.

His thoughts were interrupted by a sheaf of paper handed to him. "What's this?" asked Smalls.

"That," said Bold, "is my current draft. Right now it's just the description and stuff, but I have some addenda we can apply to it."

Smalls looked through the draft.

Item#: XXXX
Containment Class:
Secondary Class:
Disruption Class:
Disruption Class:
Risk Class:
Risk Class:

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX, due to its importance in maintaining the functionality of the United States judicial system, is to be left uncontained. The United States Supreme Court has agreed to keep the nature of SCP-XXXX hidden.

Description: SCP-XXXX refers to any individual designated as a Supreme Court Justice of the United States of America, whilst they are clothed according to the dress standards of their position.

SCP-XXXX possesses a notable increase in intelligence, along with the ability to foresee future events as a result of their judicial actions.

"Yeah, this is definitely incomplete," said Smalls. "Some of this stuff is purely theoretical even, what is 'Solito'?"

"It's an esoteric risk class, means the object has a widespread effect but is considered to be part of consensus-"

"I don't actually care, Bold. It was a hypothetical question."

Bold rolled his eyes.

"You said you had some addenda to add to this?"

Bold opened up his desk drawer and pulled out a file. "Yep. Lots of stuff. Some of it is more circumstantial than others, but a bunch of it is relevant. We have some ties to MC&D, interference with the Sarkic and Mekhanites, and there's even a document implying that dado was on the Supreme Court."

Smalls sighed. "Lay them out, I guess."

As Bold began sorting out the documents, Smalls zoned out. Metanarrative studies, pataphysics, they all had a way of messing with one's head. He'd always known he was getting into something over his head, but it really struck home when he had briefly gone beyond the narrative confines of the universe, before blinking out entirely. He'd never admit it, but he was glad Bold had saved him.


Oh no.


Bold stopped messing with his papers. "Uh-huh?"

"How did I get here?"

"I saved you."

"No, no, something else. Something's wrong." And he knew something was up. But what was it?

And then it clicked. Funny, of course it would. The reason for all this made sure he would know.

"Bold. We can stop now."


"We don't need a narrative," Smalls said, relishing the dramatic tension. "We're already in one."

Bold looked Smalls straight in the eyes. "Wait, what?"

Smalls grinned. "Don't you get it? This is how the SCP gets made! This whole time, we've been making a narrative, something that will ensure the anomaly will survive!"

Bold thought for a moment. "That's why you're here! You can exist now, we're in a new story!"

"Ha! Bingo! That's just it! In order to survive the effects of 3309, we've been making a narrative with our deliberations! A story! We've had the exposition, rising action, and now climax and falling action!"

Bold's smile fell. "The conclusion."

"What do you mean?" asked Smalls.

"The conclusion. If this is a story of us trying to work out your return, the story's survival…" Bold gulped.

"…This isn't over yet," finished Smalls, "We can't actually know if this survives the effects of 3309."

"So what do we do now?" asked Bold.

Smalls' eyes flickered. This was out of their hands now. There was only one answer.

"We wait. We hope that the narrative is powerful enough to survive." He sighed deeply. He had one thing left to do.

"And now, we pray."

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