Tuna Sandwich Joke SCP

Item #: SCP-XXXX-J

Object Class: Principalis

Special Containment Procedures: Under no circumstances are the contents of this document to be made known to the O5 Council or Ethics Committee with the sole exception of Dr. Jeremiah Cimmerian, current head of the Committee.

Knowledge concerning the further details of SCP-XXXX beyond what is already known to the Council and Committee is to be hidden from the groups at all costs. Violation of these secrecy protocols is likely to result in the compromisation of relevant members and the subsequent collapse of the SCP Foundation as a whole.

Description: SCP-XXXX-J denotes the disappearance of O5-1's tuna sandwich, designated SCP-XXXX-∆, from the Site-01 break room fridge on 3/24/21.

Discovery: On 3/24/21, around 12:30 P.M. local time, O5-1 entered Site-01's break room to have lunch. Upon opening the room's refrigerator, where O5-1 claims to have deposited SCP-XXXX-∆ earlier that morning, he discovered that it was missing. Following a brief interrogation of O5-7 who was present at the time, SCP-XXXX-J was designated and assigned the Principalis classification.

Addendum XXXX.1: Shortly after, by executive order from O5-1, Site-01 entered full lockdown and the O5 Council convened for an emergency meeting. The following is a transcript of what transpired.

O5 Council Meeting Video Log Transcript

Date: 3/24/21, 2:30 P.M.

Subject: Emergency response to the occurrence of SCP-XXXX-J

Location: Site-01 Overwatch Command Meeting Room


[BEGIN LOG]

O5-1: The council has been called to discuss the disappearance of SCP-XXXX-∆.

O5-8: XXXX-∆? I'm not familiar with that one.

O5-1: That's because it didn't have a designation until a little over an hour ago.

O5-4: This thing has been on our radar for less than a day and its already Principalis? My god, Desmond was right.

O5-6: Enough of that, -4. -1, what exactly are we dealing with?

(O5-1 rises, turns on the projector, and begins displaying documents on-screen.)

O5-1: This morning at 9:00 A.M. local time, I placed SCP-XXXX-∆ in the break room fridge here at Site-01. (The slide changes, revealing a photo of a tuna sandwich highly resemblant of SCP-XXXX-∆.)

O5-13: (Flatly.) Are you shitting me?

O5-1: -13, please, this is a serious matter. Anyway, when I returned to the break room for lunch around 12:30 P.M., I found it…

(The slide changes, showing an image of the break room's refrigerator with the door open.)

O5-1: …missing.

O5-2: Have we determined a probable cause?

O5-1: Nothing concrete yet. Unless anyone here has anything to say about it.

(O5-1 glares suspiciously around the table, meeting each council member's gaze.)

O5-9: You think it was one of us?

O5-1: I didn't say that, but you all have been rather quiet since we began this meeting.

O5-5: You know good and well none of us would betray the Foundation like that. We swore oaths.

O5-1: (Narrowing his eyes.) Then prove it.

O5-5: Sorry?

O5-1: I want a written and signed statement from each of you solemnly testifying that you did not consume SCP-XXXX-∆.

O5-12: I've got no problem with that.

O5-11: Me neither.

O5-1: Any oppose?

(The table is silent for a few seconds.)

O5-1: Alright then, get to it.

(All members of the Council including O5-1 spend the next few minutes writing and signing statements testifying their lack of involvement with SCP-XXXX-J. O5-13 finishes first and slides his sheet of paper to O5-1.)

O5-13: (Jokingly.) Well if it wasn't any of us, it must have been an evil demiurge or something. He he.

(Everyone else at the table freezes and looks at O5-13.)

O5-3: What did you just say?

O5-13: I joked about a demiur—

O5-1: -13, I think you might be on to something. -8, has the metaphysics department reported anything unusual today?

O5-8: Well, I haven't check in with them today but I think they mentioned something about a fluctuation in the—

O5-1: Damn! It makes sense though. After all what else could it have been? Site-01 is the most secure complex on the planet, nothing short of a god would be able to get inside.

O5-10: What should our next course of action be?

O5-1: I propose assigning our top investigator to this case. This is nearly beyond anything we've ever had to deal with but I think she should be able to manage. All for?

O5-1, -2, -3, -4, -5, -6, -7, -8, -9, -10, -11, -12: Aye.

O5-1: All oppose?

(The room is silent.)

O5-1: -13 abstains. The measure passes. I'll contact her immediately. Further orders will come to you as her investigation progresses. Please be reminded that we are still on lockdown, and no one is permitted to leave until we sort this matter out.

(He pauses and looks up at the screen, longingly staring at an image of SCP-XXXX-∆ before shaking his head and facing the rest of the Council.)

O5-1: Thank you. Meeting dismissed.

Addendum XXXX.2: Investigation

The following is a collection of relevant logs collected by Agent Ellen O'Connor from her investigation into SCP-XXXX. Some logs have been excluded for brevity.

Initial Notes
When I picked up my phone this afternoon I hardly expected O5-1 himself to be begging for my help. He said there was some an anomaly at Site-01 itself that needed my keen eyes.
Of course I agreed to lead an investigation, after all who can say no to an offer like that? Not that I would have had a choice in the matter.
Due to the top-secret nature of the Site, I was gen-retro'd upon arrival, but soon enough I was able to O5-1 met with me to brief me on the situation.

A tuna sandwich, well, O5-1's tuna sandwich to be exact, is missing. The prime suspect: God.
Whether that's with a big G or little g is what I'm here to determine, if it even was a god at all.

As unusual as this situation may seem, I've got some looking around to do.

Individual Interviews

As per O5-1's advice I decided to go to each Council member and get some statements.

Subject: O5-1

Prompt: "What can you tell me about the disappearance of SCP-XXXX-∆?"

Response: It's a travesty, that's what it is! That pure, soft white bread encompassing a perfectly-balanced combination of shredded tuna, mayonnaise, and a hint of salt. It's my mother's signature recipe, you know! Stolen away by some egregious interloper, never to be seen again!

Why are you still here? You've got a culprit to catch!

Notes: O5-1 stands as the primary victim of the crime, and as such he doesn't qualify as a potential perpetrator. Notably his interest in identifying the culprit is bordering on obsessive.

Subject: O5-2

Prompt: "What can you tell me about the disappearance of SCP-XXXX-∆?"

Response:

Notes:

Subject: O5-3

Prompt: "What can you tell me about the disappearance of SCP-XXXX-∆?"

Response:

Notes:

Subject: O5-4

Prompt: "What can you tell me about the disappearance of SCP-XXXX-∆?"

Response: Well I had no idea that it even existed before today.

Notes:

Subject: O5-5

Prompt: "What can you tell me about the disappearance of SCP-XXXX-∆?"

Response:

Notes:

Subject: O5-6

Prompt: "What can you tell me about the disappearance of SCP-XXXX-∆?"

Response: I'm a vegan.

Notes: O5-6's statements matches with

Subject: O5-7

Prompt: "What can you tell me about the disappearance of SCP-XXXX-∆?"

Response:

Notes:

Subject: O5-8

Prompt: "What can you tell me about the disappearance of SCP-XXXX-∆?"

Response:

Notes:

Subject: O5-9

Prompt: "What can you tell me about the disappearance of SCP-XXXX-∆?"

Response:

Notes:

Subject: O5-10

Prompt: "What can you tell me about the disappearance of SCP-XXXX-∆?"

Response:

Notes:

Subject: O5-11

Prompt: "What can you tell me about the disappearance of SCP-XXXX-∆?"

Response:

Notes:

Subject: O5-12

Prompt: "What can you tell me about the disappearance of SCP-XXXX-∆?"

Response:

Notes:

Subject: O5-13

Prompt: "What can you tell me about the disappearance of SCP-XXXX-∆?"

Response: See below

Notes:

I ate it.

Wait, seriously?

What, is that somehow less believable than the idea of God reaching down from heaven and personally stealing a man's tuna sandwich?

I guess, but you've probably dealt with something similar before, right?

(Shrugs.) More or less, I suppose.

Well I can't say I expected the answer to this investigation to just drop in like that. (She tilts her head.) Why say anything? There weren't any cameras, no residue tests, nothing. You could have easily just stayed quiet.

Because I know you've got at least some semblance of common sense. These O5s… if anything seems out of place their first response is always to blame the supernatural. And I can't blame them too much, with our line of work being the way it is. But sometimes simple problems also have simple solutions. If I'd stayed quiet -1 would have had you poking around the metaphysics department and God knows where else eventually. Now you've got some closure.

So you're not going to stop me from going to -1?

I'd ask you not to. -1 gets like this every now and then. You just have to give him a few days, maybe a week and it'll all blow over. If he found out it was me while he's like this there would be hell to pay, even over something as small as a sandwich.

If you say so. But what if -1 discovers that I'm not telling him everything?

He won't. I'll pull some strings on my end. As far as he should be concerned, I don't know anything. He'll want you to swing by the metaphysics headquarters after this, so I'll call a flight in for you ahead of time. After that you can just drop my some old museums in the area and say you were researching mischief gods or something. -1'll buy that.

Th-thank you.

No problem. It's nice to see common sense nowadays, I'd hate to have the rest of the Council drive it insane.

(O'Connor nods and rises from her seat. As she reaches the door she pauses.)

One more thing, was it actually as good as -1 made it out to be?

(Chuckles.) Too much salt.

[END LOG]

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