Tuna Sandwich Joke SCP
rating: 0+x

Item#: 001-J
Level6
Containment Class:
esoteric
Secondary Class:
principalis
Disruption Class:
amida
Risk Class:
notice

Special Containment Procedures: Under no circumstances are the contents of this document to be made known to any members the O5 Council. Violation of this procedure is likely to result in the compromisation of relevant members and the subsequent collapse of the SCP Foundation as a whole. Any knowledge concerning the further details of SCP-001-J beyond what is already known to the Council is to be obscured from its members at all costs. The sole exception to these measures is O5-13, who is to have full control of and access to this document.

Description: SCP-001-J was an event that occurred on 3/24/21, in which O5-1's tuna sandwich, designated SCP-001-J-∆, disappeared from Site-01's break room fridge.

Around noon local time, O5-1 entered Site-01's break room to retrieve SCP-001-J-∆ . Upon opening the room's refrigerator, where O5-1 claims to have deposited the item earlier that morning, he discovered that it was missing. Following a brief interrogation of O5-7 who was present at the time, SCP-001-J was designated and assigned the Principalis classification by executive order of O5-1.

Shortly after, Site-01 entered full lockdown and the O5 Council convened for an emergency meeting. The following is a transcript of what transpired.

O5 Council Meeting Video Log Transcript

Date: 3/24/21, 2:30 P.M.

Subject: Emergency response to the occurrence of SCP-001-J

Location: Site-01 Overwatch Command Meeting Room

Personnel Present: O5-1, -3, -4, -7, -10, -13


[BEGIN LOG]

O5-1: The council has been called to discuss the occurrence of of SCP-001-J here at Site-01.

O5-10: A new 001? I was not made aware of any new classifications as of late.

O5-1: That's because it didn't have a designation until less than an hour ago.

O5-4: This thing has been on our radar for less than an hour and its already Principalis? My god, Desmond was right.

O5-3: Enough of that, -4. -1, what exactly are we dealing with?

(O5-1 rises, turns on the projector, and begins displaying documents on-screen.)

O5-1: This morning at 9:00 A.M. local time, I placed SCP-001-J-∆ in the break room fridge here at Site-01. (The slide changes, revealing a photo of a tuna sandwich highly resemblant of SCP-001-J-∆.)

O5-13: (Flatly.) Are you shitting me?

O5-1: -13, please, this is a serious matter. Anyway, when I returned to the break room for lunch around 12:30 P.M., I found it…

(The slide changes, showing an image of the break room's refrigerator with the door open.)

O5-1: …missing!

O5-3: Have we determined a probable cause?

O5-1: Nothing concrete yet. Unless anyone here has something they'd like to say.

(O5-1 glares suspiciously around the table, meeting each council member's gaze.)

O5-10: You think it was one of us?

O5-1: I didn't say that, but you all have been rather quiet since we began this meeting.

O5-13: (Muttering.) We haven't even been here a full minute…

O5-7: You know good and well none of us would betray the Foundation like that. We swore oaths.

O5-1: (Narrowing his eyes.) Then prove it.

O5-4: Sorry?

O5-1: I want a written and signed statement from each of you solemnly testifying that you did not consume SCP-001-J-∆.

O5-3: I have no problem with that.

O5-7: Me neither.

O5-1: Any oppose?

(The room is silent for a few seconds.)

O5-1: Alright then, get to it.

(All present councilmembers write and sign statements testifying their lack of involvement with SCP-001-J. O5-13 finishes first and slides his sheet of paper to O5-1.)

O5-13: (Sarcastically.) Well if it wasn't any of us, it must have been a, uh… (motions wildly with his hands) …despotic demiurge or something.

(Everyone else at the table freezes and looks at O5-13.)

O5-3: What did you just say?

O5-13: I joked about a demiur—

O5-1: -13, I think you might be on to something. -8, has the pataphysics department reported anything unusual today?

O5-10: Well, I haven't check in with them today but I think they mentioned something about a fluctuation in the p—

O5-1: Damn! It makes sense though. After all what else could it have been? Site-01 is the most secure complex on the planet, nothing short of a god would be able to get inside, if it truly wasn't any of you.

O5-7: What should our next course of action be?

(The room is silent. O5-1 paces back to his computer.)

O5-1: I propose assigning our top investigator to this case. This is nearly beyond anything we've ever had to deal with but I think she should be able to manage. All for?

O5-1, -3, -4, -7, -10: Aye.

O5-1: All oppose?

(The room is silent.)

O5-1: -13 abstains. The measure passes. I'll contact her immediately. Further orders will come to you as her investigation progresses. Please be reminded that we are still on lockdown, and no one is permitted to leave until we sort this matter out.

(He pauses and looks up at the screen, longingly staring at an image of SCP-001-J-∆ before shaking his head and facing the rest of the Council.)

O5-1: Thank you. Meeting dismissed.


Addendum XXXX.2: Investigation

The following is a logs written by Agent Ellen O'Connor from her investigation into SCP-001-J.

Initial Notes
When I picked up my phone this afternoon I hardly expected O5-1 himself to be begging for my help. He said there was some an anomaly at Site-01 itself that needed my keen eyes. Of course I agreed to lead an investigation, after all who can say no to an offer like that? Not that I would have had a choice in the matter. Due to the top-secret nature of the Site, I was gen-retro'd upon arrival, but soon enough O5-1 met with me to brief me on the situation.

A tuna sandwich, well, O5-1's tuna sandwich to be exact, is missing. The prime suspect: God. Whether that's with a big G or little g is what I'm here to determine, if it even was a god at all.

As unusual as this situation may seem, I've got some investigating to do.


Preliminary Analysis

It's just my luck that Site-01 seems to have cameras everywhere except where I need them; the breakroom seems to lack any sort of surveillance technology, so I'll have to rely on present personnel's testimonies and what footage I do have.

At the time that SCP-001-J occurred, there were five councilmembers at Site-01, all of whom accessed the break room's refrigerator prior to O5-1's discovery of the anomaly.


Timeline: A brief timeline of all events concerning SCP-001-J. All events are recorded in local time.

  • [07:35]: O5-1 deposits SCP-001-J-∆ in the refrigerator shortly after arriving at Site-01.
  • [8:11]: O5-7 enters the breakroom to eat food that he had with him. Hallway cameras corroborate that he was carrying a plastic bag, though its contents cannot be directly observed.
  • moooooooarrrrrrrrr

move this block down before the -13 interview??


Individual Interviews

I decided to go to each councilmember that was present at the time of SCP-001-J and get some statements. All relevant councilmembers were asked what they knew regarding the disappearance of SCP-001-J-∆.

Subject: O5-1

Interview:

O5-1: This is a travesty, that's what it is! That pure, soft white bread encompassing a perfectly-balanced combination of shredded tuna, mayonnaise, and a hint of salt. It's my mother's signature recipe, you know! Stolen away by some egregious interloper, never to be seen again!

O'Connor: I understand sir.

O5-1: Why are you still here? You've got a culprit to catch!

Notes: O5-1 stands as the primary victim of the crime, and as such is unlikely to be the perpetrator. His interest in identifying the culprit appears to be bordering on the obsessive.

Subject: O5-3

Interview:

O5-3:

O'Connor:

O5-3:

Notes:

Subject: O5-4

Interview:

O5-4:

O'Connor:

O5-4:

Notes:

Subject: O5-7

Interview:

O'Connor: Now, you were in the breakroom when O5-1 discovered the sandw— um, SCP-001-J-∆, correct?

O5-7: Yes, but like I told, -1, I didn't take the damn thing.

O'Connor:

O5-7:

Notes:

Subject: O5-10

Interview:

O5-10: I'm a vegan.

O'Connor: Oh. That makes things simpler. Thank you for yo—

O5-10: Yeah, we don't eat meat.

O'Connor: Yes, I'm awa—

O5-10: Or any animal products. You know, it actually feels really li—

O'Connor: (Quickly collecting her things and proceeding towards the exit.) That will be all for today, ma'am. Thank you for your time.

Notes: She seems to be telling the truth.

Subject: O5-13

Interview:

O5-13: I ate it.

O'Connor: Wait, seriously?

O5-13: What, is that somehow less believable than the idea of God reaching down from heaven and personally stealing a man's tuna sandwich?

O'Connor: I guess, but you've probably dealt with something similar before, right?

O5-13: (Shrugs.) More or less, I suppose.

O'Connor: Well I can't say I expected the answer to this investigation to just drop in like that. (She tilts her head.) Why say anything? There weren't any cameras, no residue tests, nothing. You could have easily just stayed quiet.

O5-13: Because I know you've got at least some semblance of common sense. These O5s… if anything seems out of place their first response is always to blame the supernatural. And I can't blame them too much, with our line of work being the way it is. But sometimes simple problems also have simple solutions. If I'd stayed quiet -1 would have driven you mad in search of the perpetrator. Now at least you'll get some closure.

O'Connor: So you're not going to stop me from going to -1?

O5-13: I would ask you not to. He gets like this every now and then. You just have to give him a few days, maybe a week and it'll all blow over. If he found out it was me while he's in this state, there would be hell to pay, even over something as small as a sandwich.

O'Connor: If you say so. But what if he finds out that I'm not telling him everything?

O5-13: He won't. I'll pull some strings on my end, maybe slip him some light amnestics or file this whole thing away as a -J. Either way, as far as he is aware, I don't know anything, and neither do you. He'll want you to swing by the pataphysics headquarters after this, so I'll call a flight in for you ahead of time. After that you can just drop my some old museums in the area and say you were researching mischief gods or something. He'll buy that.

O'Connor: Th-thank you.

O5-13: No problem. Common sense is a rare thing nowadays, I'd hate to have the Council drive it insane.

(O'Connor nods and rises from her seat. As she reaches the door she pauses.)

O'Connor: One last thing, was that sandwich actually as good as O5-1 made it out to be?

O5-13: (Chuckles.) Too much salt.


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