May We Meet Again in Adytum.

rating: +1+x
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  • Bread (positive)
  • placeholder (didnt care for it)
  • Metaphysician (positive, implemented fixes)
  • uraniumempire (positive)
  • Malyce Graves (postive, implemented fixes)
  • stormbreath (good story, but doesnt care for sarkicism)
  • naepicfael (favorably, but pointed out that it may be lore heavy for casual audiences)

Things to do:

ARD crit:

  • Combine alchemy section with 4524 addendum
  • remove autopsy dialogue post-soldier death
  • more evidence on portal location (perhaps have it hinted that the administrator may have had prior knowledge. Could have her locate the text first, then briefly part to travel with nadox briefly, then return to dig up the portal)

Tyumen crit
"Honestly, all it boils down to is that it'd fare much better with less action-movie type quippy dialogue from the agent, fewer expositiony loredumps from Ion (I personally think Ion shouldn't even have a speaking role at all, but that's just my opinion) worth considering? and many, many more environmental clues (dead LSAs and broken colossi, more babbling robotic soldiers, dead civilians in various states hinting at what happened to them) as to what happened in Adytum. Ion with the Archon bursting from his head was one of the best images the story put forth, and it would probably make more sense for Ion's first verbal contact with the agent to be in that ending section"

Metaphysician crit:

Less storytelling, more exploration of the anomaly. could combine with tyumen's above suggestions:

Tufto: overall, show dont tell.

DrZaomin: dont feel sad about nadox or ion (show, dont tell i guess)

Hex crit:

Expect more world building of Sarkic lore, less flat exposition. "This could have been substituted and shown to us in a more organic sense via emotions, sensations, and more subtle imagery than the in-your-face elements that currently persist in this article."

Suffered from a white room effect- could not picture Adytum clearly.

Didnt feel much emotion for Ion or Jiang Li, felt one dimensional rather than natural aspects of it.

With that said, it's a -1 from me.

Current Plan:

  1. Description and conprocs largely the same.
  2. Adytum history section same.
  3. Change discovery section to hint at the Administrator having prior knowledge of the portal site and/or book. Leave in an absence of their exploration details, give room to wander across the desert with nadox.
  4. Combine the Alchemy division with the 4524 addendum. For this, add more details to the "unlocking attempt earlier" to make it feel less one-note. Then the alchemy addendum is more of an update.
  5. Sophia aic exploration: perhaps tie more into Tyumen's suggestions. Large colossi and LSAs alike lie scattered among the buildings, all having been crushed by the archon milenia ago. Mekhanites wander to and fro in Adytum: functionally perfect, but minds and requirement to use SCP-217 to survive have basically tied them into mekhanite zombies. How to end this, though? Perhaps take a fallen mekhanite soldier like last time, and being chased back through the portal.
  6. In this case, they attempt to remove a soldier to see if they can "fix it", as theyre 100 percent machine. Work on distinguishing low and lycus's dialogue more, per nagiros suggestions. Remove post-soldier death dialogue and replace with exposition on Chinese sarkic-mekhanite mythology. Have an abrupt ending.
  7. Second long: …?
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