Peppermill Thing

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wiggledemon.jpg

"Headshot" of SCP-XXXX taken per its request.

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be kept in the Site-71 break room per its request.1 Personnel must refer to SCP-XXXX as "His High Royal Jiggliness Lord Kinker Dinker Booty-Stinker, Eternal Ruler of All Eighteen Realms and Also My Ass, May His Flavor Be Ever Questionable, Yes, the Whole Thing, Every Time, Even This Bit, Or I Swear I Will Make It Even Longer, The Third" when in the Site-71 break room.

Any demand issued by SCP-XXXX must be fulfilled immediately and to the best of one's ability.

Under no circumstances is any amount of SCP-XXXX to be tasted or consumed unless directly instructed to do so by SCP-XXXX.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a sapient gelatin dessert capable of an undetermined set of abilities such as vocalization, teleportation, and spontaneous destruction of property. It possesses average adult human intelligence and rests on an unmarked ceramic plate. The passage of time does not affect SCP-XXXX, and it has remained moist and pliant for the duration of its containment.

SCP-XXXX frequently makes demands of a nonsensical, juvenile, and/or humiliating nature. Failure to comply will result in the sudden explosive destruction of a facility which houses vulnerable and underprivileged groups. Frequent targets include orphanages, homeless shelters, and children's hospitals. There has been no determined range of SCP-XXXX's destructive power, and it has been directly responsible for hundreds of deaths worldwide. Despite demonstrating the capacity for emotion, SCP-XXXX has never been recorded expressing remorse for its actions.

Although it identifies itself as a singular entity, SCP-XXXX has used several distinct voices to communicate with Foundation Staff, and it has been observed to use these voices to converse with itself. SCP-XXXX seems to only possess approximate knowledge of the world it inhabits, and has often made inaccurate remarks concerning pop culture, geography, and the general nature of reality.


Addendum — List of notable demands:

Demand #: 000001

Recipient: Dr. Melrose

Demand: "Bow before your new master, bitchazoid!"

Outcome: Dr. Melrose disregarded the demand and alerted the on-site containment team to the appearance of a hostile anomaly. SCP-XXXX issued a warning, stating that it would "blow up an orphanage for deaf children in Louisiana or some shit" at the next infraction.

aftermath.jpg

St. Eunice's Hope House, aftermath.


Demand #: 000002

Recipient: Agent Roger Kennedy

Demand: "Put me down this instant!"

Outcome: Agent Kennedy disregarded the demand and moved SCP-XXXX to an emergency containment unit. SCP-XXXX informed staff to check the news, and it was soon discovered that the disability wing for St. Eunice's Hope House had collapsed shortly after SCP-XXXX was placed in its containment unit.

Subsequent investigation showed no evidence of causal sources for the collapse, and recent inspection records indicate that the building had no prior issues with its structural integrity. SCP-XXXX reclassified as Keter.

Demand #: 000003

Recipient: Agent Roger Kennedy

Demand: "Make me a sandwich."

Outcome: Agent Kennedy made a cold ham and cheese sandwich and delivered it to SCP-XXXX's emergency containment unit.

Demand #: 000004

Recipient: Agent Roger Kennedy

Demand: "Great! Now rub the sandwich on your butt while singing On Top of Spaghetti."

Outcome: Agent Kennedy disregarded the demand and left the containment chamber. SCP-XXXX appeared in Dr. Melrose's office soon afterward, where it informed him that it had leveled an assisted living home in Luxembourg. The claim was quickly verified. Agent Kennedy was placed on paid leave from his duties. Containment procedures updated accordingly.

Demand #: 000005

Recipient: All staff present in the Site-71 cafeteria.

Demand: "Get up on those tables and shake what your mama gave ya!"

Outcome: After additional persuasion from containment personnel, all present staff members climbed onto the cafeteria tables and shook their hips to the best of their ability. Physically impaired staff members had to be assisted. SCP-XXXX appeared satisfied and no further action was taken.

Demand #: 000022

Recipient: Dr. Hagan

Demand: "Put on a tutu and make out with an anime pillow."2

Outcome: The necessary materials were brought by emergency helicopter and the procedure was carried out successfully. A storage facility was established on-site to house materials that SCP-XXXX would likely require in its demands.

Demand #: 000036

Recipient: Site-71 Custodian Roscoe McNeil

Demand: "Run down to the nearest Lightning Station and propose to the cashier."

Outcome: An escort vehicle was arranged for Mr. McNeil, but staff could not discern what SCP-XXXX meant by "Lightning Station". When asked to clarify, it said that this was a common gas station chain. No such establishment could be found, so Foundation resources were used to quickly purchase and rebrand a local facility.

SCP-XXXX later expressed confusion at the nonexistence of the Lightning brand, but commended the Foundation on their quick thinking. The cashier declined the proposal, as SCP-XXXX had not required an affirmative response in its demand.

Demand #: 000058

Recipient: Dr. Milot

Demand: "Help me out with something real quick."

Outcome: SCP-XXXX talked at length about a strained relationship between two unknown parties, describing numerous instances of negative interactions. Dr. Milot offered to provide some small advice, which SCP-XXXX accepted. This was the first recorded case of SCP-XXXX expressing clear signs of sadness, anxiety, and empathy, and it did not use its typical speech quirks during the conversation. SCP-XXXX did not explain when or how it interacted with the individuals it described.

Demand #: 000058

Recipient: Dr. Milot

Demand: "Run through a petting zoo in a suit made of bacon while screaming conspiracy theories."

Outcome: SCP-XXXX rescinded the demand before it could be carried out, and then proceeded to briefly argue with itself in several overlapping voices. In one remark, it was heard telling itself that Dr. Milot "isn't even real".


Addendum — Interview Log:

Date: 12th December
Location: Site-71 break room

Foreword: Interview proposed and conducted by Dr. Bina Dal Kaur to ascertain possible motivations for SCP-XXXX's actions and begin building a psychological profile.


[Begin Log]]

Dr. Dal Kaur: Good morning, O Gelatinous One.3. May I be bold enough to ask a few questions?

Fifty seconds of silence.

Dr. Dal Kaur: O Gelatinous One?

Squeaking sound is heard. No source is apparent.

SCP-XXXX: (Muffled) Oh shit, someone's— who's gonna—

Dr. Dal Kaur: Pardon?

SCP-XXXX: (Clearly) Greetings, inferior, bone-having mortal. Who dares to disturb the slumber of The One Gelatinous?

Dr. Dal Kaur: My name is Dr. Bina Dal Kaur.

SCP-XXXX: And what has the bone-having doctor come to me for?

Dr. Dal Kaur: (Slight pause.) I would like to ask a few questions, if I may be so bold.

SCP-XXXX: The— ah— The One Gelatinous will contemplate your request.

Twenty-three seconds of silence. Indistinct vocalizations can be heard overlapping one another.

SCP-XXXX: What does the bone-haver want to know?

Dr. Dal Kaur: Thank you, O Gelatinous One. I wish to know, how did one as magnifulous and wigglesome4 as you come into being?

SCP-XXXX: Well, you see. (Brief hesitation.) It all began six hundred years ago, at the birth of the universe. The ideal concept of perfection itself convalesced—

SCP-XXXX (Alternate voice): Coalesced, I mean—

Muffled grunt.

SCP-XXXX (First voice): —into the sexy, jiggleacious specimen you see before you.

Dr. Dal Kaur: How enlightening! I cannot praise you enough for this information. If it pleases you, O Gelatinous One, I entreat you to have mercy on us. There has been much suffering wrought in your wake. Children have been left orphans, and parents left childless. I myself have been to many of the places that met your wrath. The screams of the dying fill my ears and the tears of their loved ones drown me in my dreams. Do we have any hope of finding compassion in you?

SCP-XXXX: Huh. Well, damn, that's— uh. That sure sucks, lady, but, you know, you really should have just done the dumb shit we asked you to.

Faint snickering can be heard.

SCP-XXXX (Alternate voice): (Muffled) Holy fuck. 'The screams of the dying'… (Further laughter.) Year, we're totally going to hell for this.

SCP-XXXX (Third voice): (Muffled) Oh snap! You said the thing!

Clapping sound is heard. No source is apparent.

SCP-XXXX (First voice): Okay, yeah, I think that's— I think we're done here. I hereby call this audience adjourned.

Dr. Dal Kaur: A thousand thanks, O Gelatinous one.

SCP-XXXX: Now, while you're in here, I think it's high time we brought some culture to this place.

[End Log]

Afterword: Following the interview, SCP-XXXX demanded that Dr. Dal Kaur perform the entirety of the musical Hamilton. Official copies of the original broadway script and soundtrack were procured for the performance; however, SCP-XXXX complained of numerous "inaccuracies", including a "new" musical number in place of "the real one" and an ending that deviated from "the original story".


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Forensic reconstruction of an assailing entity's teeth based on Agent Kennedy's wounds.

Addendum — Incident Log:

Shortly after returning to duty, Agent Kennedy attempted an unauthorized neutralization of SCP-XXXX by quickly consuming it in its entirety. It is unknown what transpired in the following 48 seconds, as CCTV footage from this point onward has been visually and anomalously corrupted.5

When security personnel arrived on the scene, Agent Kennedy was found to be deceased. His remains were heavily disfigured by deep lacerations and bite wounds across his body, as well as a complete rupturing of his chest cavity from the inside. Forensic analysis showed his wounds to be consistent with the tooth and claw marks of a adult lions (Panthera leo) of various sizes, which correlates with fur samples found in the chest cavity. No lions were have been seen on-site before or after the incident and they are not indigenous to the area.

SCP-XXXX claimed it was "asleep" during the entirety of the incident and had no memory of what occurred. The incident is the first and only recorded occurrence of an individual being harmed during interaction with SCP-XXXX.


Addendum — Site Director's Note:

Dear colleagues,

I am deeply sorry for any stress or embarrassment caused by SCP-XXXX. Most of us have experienced some degree of gelatin-induced harassment over the last few months, and while the demands have grown less frequent, their toll on morale remains persistent. Please remember that counseling and emotional aftercare are available to all personnel involved with SCP-XXXX.

In the time I have presided over Site-71, I have never seen more requests for neutralization of an SCP phenomenon than I have for SCP-XXXX. This is somewhat odd, given that its containment is relatively benign compared to other Keter-Class entities, but understandable when the personal degradation involved is taken into account. In any case, given the recent incident with Mr. Kennedy, it is unlikely that neutralization of SCP-XXXX will ever be attempted.

Many have expressed the sentiment that fulfilling SCP-XXXX's demands means we are letting it "win". And really, we are. As much as we'd like to think otherwise, the Foundation's goal is not to "win". Sometimes we sacrifice our lives, and sometimes we merely sacrifice our dignity, but at the end of the day we can sleep soundly knowing the world is a little bit safer.

Lastly, the kitchen faculty extend their most profound apologies for the controversy caused by the recent Jell-o fiasco, and have assured us that it will not happen again.

— Site-71 Director Juanita Cambeiro

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