Last Resort
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Clutching a sheaf of delicately prepared papers, a weary-eyed Director Bold barged into the offices of the Decommissioning Department. All three of his dutiful co-workers, half-expecting somebody honorable, nodded up.

"Gentlemen," he shouted, a chewed-up pen in the corner of their mouth, "I have some news."

Bold paused, waiting for exclamations of curiosity and rustlings of excitement to fill the office room. Nothing. Everyone was back to work as usual.

"As you may notice, we are a little, er, understaffed at the moment," Bold continued, with the presumption that somebody was listening. "Just last week we had one of our fellow coworkers drop out of the little Department we have going here. Droppin' like flies, I tell ya."

Paused again. Wait. Nothing.

"Well alright, c'mon, let's have a little excitement for this announcement here, okay? —"

"Dude, calm down," a greasy 26-year-old intern at the back retorted. "We know what's happening. New coworker, big fuckin' whoop. Probably some dickhead who manages to even get under your level of competence."

Tacitly ignoring their remarks, Bold continued. "Well, enough introductions for now. I bet the rest of you are dying to hear about our new coworker!"

A sarcastic encore from the remaining two employees sounded from the east end of the office.

"Alright, nice. Bring 'em in, Martha!"

A woman from the back hall, reading glasses laying on her nose and donned with a bright smile, rolled in… well, something. The employees took turns looking through the doorway with the most diluted form of curiosity to find out who the hell this lady was.

"Uh, Dr. Adams, Parazoology department?" quipped Junior Researcher Hambert from ver desk. "Why are you working here now?"

"Oh, dear, I would never work here (no offense to you, Director, you've got quite the setup here!)." Adams chimed. "Bold told me to bring something over, someone to help you out."

Hambert furrowed ver brow. "Um… then what did you bring?"

Wordlessly, Adams rolled in a specialized portable containment chamber. Within it was an owl.


"Wait. Hold on a second."

"Yes, dear, it's —"

"Wait, fuck. Okay, an owl, then. Well, does it have any… anomalous effects?"

"Unfortunately not, dear. Neutralized."

"Um… are they… sapient?"


"Okay then, are they in any way, shape, or form out of the ordinary?"

Looking away from Adams, a pissed Hambert turned ver head to Director Bold. He gave a limp shrug.

"Hey, it's the only thing we can do," Director Bold said. "They're the only one in the whole facility who's willing to help us out here."

"H-how do you even figure that out?"

Director Bold paused. Even he was a little confused. He glanced over to the owl, ravenously munching a series of decommissioning reports. "Hey, whoa, would you watch it there, fella!" Director Bold offered, finding himself subject to the whims of this strigine being. It pecked back.

"Uh… you know, we'll figure that out later, okay?" Bold grinned, scratching his head.

"Oh sure," Hambert muttered. "I'm sure you two'll get along just fine."

Tales from the DeD
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