Welcome to the Site-81 cookbook page. This is a collaborative effort for April Fools' Day 2020. The premise here being that you contribute a recipe to the cookbook from a character in-universe. Doesn't necessarily need to be Foundation-specific characters, though obviously that would make the most sense.
Have fun with it, try to make your recipes edible, and we'll package it all together nice and neat for the holiday.
Special shoutout to Nicolini who literally birthed this idea from his forehead and delivered it into the world.
Karlyle Aktus' World Famous 10pm Chili
Hello everyone, Director Aktus here again with my World Famous 10pm Chili. You may be asking yourself, "Karlyle, why is it called 10pm Chili?" The answer is that when I was in college, we would make this chili at 10pm before going out on the town to cruise, and when we came home inebriated six hours later we would have hot, delicious chili waiting for us. You may also be asking "wait, didn't you go to college in like 1935?" To that I say -
Anyway, on with the ingredients:
- 2 lbs chopped sirloin or sirloin strips
- 2 lbs hot sausage or chorizo
- 2 cans Rotel tomatoes and peppers (hottest variety they have, or milder if you have a flimsy constitution)
- 2 cans creamed corn
- 2 packets ranch dressing powder
- 2 packets taco seasoning powder
- 2 - 3 habanero peppers, diced (seeds only if you want your asshole to remind you of the meal after about two hours)
Instructions:
- In a large pan over medium heat, brown your sirloin and sausage. Sausage should be cooked thoroughly, but sirloin can be cooked medium / medium rare. Cooks quickly so keep an eye on it.
- Season sirloin with some flaky salt and black pepper. Don't overdo it because there's plenty of other seasoning coming but I like to get a little on the steak ahead of time to lock down those good juices.
- In a large crock pot or other large, high-walled pot, add your cooked meats, canned vegetables, and seasoning packets. Stir to mix thoroughly. Dice your habaneros if you haven't done so yet then add that puppy in. Some people might say "Karlyle this is too hot" and those people are wrong.
- Fill two of your now empty cans of Rotel with water and add that.
- Set crockpot or stock pot to low and allow chili to simmer for like 6-8 hours (or, traditionally, however long you're out drinking). I do mine overnight and it's delicious. Once you're done cooking turn it to the warmer setting (or very low heat) and let that bad boy fill your domicile with delicious chili aroma.
Serve in warm bowls with grated cheddar or mexican cheese on the side, and also sour cream. Both are delicious ways to enjoy this chili.
Note: If you put beans in this fucking chili you are dead to me. Beans in chili are an abomination and anyone who says otherwise has sold out to big bean. You're going to make this chili the way cowboys made this chili - meat, peppers, done. Fucking delicious. Your family, friends, and stomach will thank you.
Could it be made better with custom seasoning and your own chili paste or whatever? Sure, yes. but this is very easy and you can buy all the ingredients for less than 30 bucks. Serves like 12 people. Less than $3 per bowl, that's a goddamn steal.
Good for curing hangovers, preventing hangovers, making lasting relationships and conquering your enemies. Enjoy this delicious chili, and don't forget the peppers. Bon appetite.
Site-81 Medley, by SCP-173, SCP-049, and SCP-096
Images and derivatives of SCP-173 can only be used for non-commercial purposes; see the article for the relevant disclaimer.
J. Everwood's Sweet Rice Pudding
Hey folks. Jay Everwood here. Now, uh, a lot of you may not know this but I am Cuban on my mother's side so I grew up with a lot of traditional Cuban foods. Here is one of my favorite desserts, 'Arroz con leche' or as you guys might know it, 'Rice Pudding'. The folks down at the GoI research HQ really like it when I make it, so I figured I would share the recipe with you all. Enjoy!
You will need:
1 cup of short-grain rice
6 cups whole milk
1 cinnamon stick
1 lemon peel
½ cup of sugar
1 can of condensed milk
Instructions:
- Soak your rice in water for a few minutes until the water gets cloudy, then drain it.
- Put your rice, milk, lemon peel, sugar, and cinnamon stick into a medium saucepan and cook it at low heat for about an hour, stirring occasionally.
- Once done, fish out the lemon peel and cinnamon stick from the rice using a spoon. The sudden crunch of an entire cinnamon stick or the extreme bitterness from a lemon peel are not welcome surprises.
- Add the contents of your can of condensed milk and stir again.
- Remove from heat and cover, then store in a cold place. Though you can have this hot, it tastes much better cold, so I would let it sit overnight. But I'm not your mom, do whatever you want.
Serve in a small glass bowl and garnish with cinnamon powder. Just as a heads up, this is typically enjoyed alongside a fruit such as raspberries, bananas, or even strawberries. The lemon peel is replaceable with any other citrusy peel, but I find that lemon works best to compliment the sweetness of the dish. I know that in Spain they typically eat this with raisins, which I find disgusting and infuriating.
As you may have observed from the ingredients, this is a very cheap and delicious dessert that can be made from stuff the average person has lying around their kitchen. It's also as easy as making rice, so there's very little chance you can fuck this up colossally.
Dr. Roget's Instant Pot Break Room Surprise
Yo. This one always manages to hit the spot for me on those long nights where grandma's left the office for the night and my minders are nodding off. If you've never heard of an instant pot it's basically the greatest invention of all time. You can cook anything in it twice as fast as any TV chef, with only a mild chance of catastrophic explosive failure. The ingredients for this one are pretty simple too:
Ingredients:
One(1) Xtra large Instant Pot
One(1) Site-77 skeleton key
A break room refrigerator
Lockpick and/or bolt cutters if the fridge is secured
Enough personnel working late to create a critical mass and variety of dinner food.
Instructions:
- Acquire as much food as you can carry in one trip. Deputy Director Anderson in particular always has some good chili to get that extra bit of pungency.
- Pick out which items you feel would make the most interesting cocktail and discard the rest. Be sure to include enough broth or similar liquids so that your creation doesn't burn.
- Using a blender, knife, or any other cutting or shredding instrument get the food you've selected into the smallest possible pieces. This ensures you can fill the pot with the most possible food.
- Dump as many solids as you can fit into the pot, making sure to leave enough room for the liquid you picked earlier.
- Set the Instant Pot to cook on high pressure for nine hundred and ninety-nine minutes. Other acceptable settings include the rice cook and yogurt.
Once you've got everything cooking, head back up to the executive suite and enjoy the show.
You're grounded. — Director Gillespie
Director House's Speedy Small Pizza
Hey, guys! This quick recipe has gotten me through a lot of late nights at 616, and I never miss an opportunity to share it. Italians may have invented the pizza, but by God, America perfected it — and now I've perfected that perfection into some sort of double-layered perfection pie topped with perfection! Anyway, here's the recipe:
Ingredients:
- 1/2 cup flour
- 1 packet yeast
- 1/4 cup of water
- A little bit of olive oil
- Pizza sauce (Prego recommended!)
- Mozzarella cheese as needed (no upper limit)
- Toppings of choice, except for pineapple. If you would like pineapple on your pizza, I would suggest you close this recipe and eat something befitting your status, such as Lunchables.
Y'know, pizza staples. Can't have a pie of any respectable quality without the basics.
Instructions:
- Gather your ingredients on your cooking surface.
- Mix together the flour, yeast, and water.
- Fold the dough and let sit.
- Return to discover you have added too much yeast and too much water and the entire thing is this disgusting slimey overflowing mess.
- Dispose of the dough. (Site incinerators come in handy at this step, but are optional.)
- Optional: Sob in defeat.
- Pull out your phone, dial up your local Dominos or Pizza Hut, and place your order. Give them a funny name, such as "Dick Hertz" or "I. C. Weiner".
- Drive out to pick up your pizza — NO DELIVERY! Delivery is forbidden because it is for weak and cowardly people, and also because it constitutes a potentially massive breach of Veil security.
- Enjoy!
Better luck next time?
D-41562's Makeshift Spaghetti
Back when I was a programmer, I wasn't too big on spaghetti code, but a nice warm bowl of the food would always lift my mood. Now it's a bit harder to come by quality meals, but I have a few ways to pull one together every now and then.
- Pasta. I usually take some from the anomaly kitchen, guess there's a skip that likes it
- Tomato sauce, from Pantry B (weekdays) or Pantry D (weekends)
- (optional) Onions, Bell peppers, or other vegetables, if available
- (optional) Meat. For some reason the kitchens have had a lot of pork in stock, so I mostly use that
- Water.
The hard part is collecting the ingredients in an approximate timeframe and hiding them. Thankfully the guards at the rec center are pretty chill, so I just keep them in the cupboard.
When I'm ready I go to its kitchenette. Someone has to watch if you check out a knife but other than it's just a normal cooking environment.
- Pour the sauce in a frying pan and turn on the heat.
- Cut the vegetables/meat if present, and add to the sauce.
- Fill up a pot with water and bring it to a boil.
- Add the noodles and cook until finished. For the pasta I usually use it's 8 minutes.
- Serve on a plate with the sauce poured onto the noodles.
It can be a bit hard dealing with the logistics of nabbing all the supplies, so if you have any questions feel free to visit me in the back of the D-class Wing, Block 3.
Rose Jacket's Hachis Parmentier
Bonjour à tous et à toutes, dear friends, my name is Rose Jacket and it's cool to have a chance to do something other than writing papers about -J skips ! And today, the cooking recipe I would like to present to you today is one traditional dish of my native country: France. In America, for what I know, you call that "shepherd's pie", but in France, we call it a "Hachis Parmentier". So, yeah, you can drop immediately all your cliches about snails and wine. Fuck snails. Snails are an abomination and must be destroyed at all costs, remember it.
Anyway. For making a hachis Parmentier, here's the ingredients :
- 600 g of chopped veal.
- Potatoes. Like, ten potatoes, it will be good.
- (optional) Tomatoes. Personally, I make it without tomatoes, but it's up to you.
- 150 g of grated cheese.
- An egg.
- 10 cl of fresh cream.
- Condiments and butter.
- (optional) A copy of the album Mezzanine, by Massive Attack, and a bottle of ice tea.
What ? You don't get it, about the album and the bottle of ice tea ? I will explain later. Anyway, it's time of instructions :
- Take your potatoes and mash them. There are many ways to do it : the most common way to do it is to use a ricer or a fork. But if you don't have these objects, you can also use a baseball bat or, the most extreme solution, your own feet. If you choose to use this solution, be sure to take off your socks and put them away safely.
- When your potatoes are correctly mashed, take the mix and put it in a bowl. Then, take the egg, the fresh cream, the condiments and butter and incorporate them into the puree. You will need to use a whisk for that. When it's done, put the bowl in the oven for 5 minutes.
- Take your chopped veal and boil it for 4 minutes. Be sure that the meat is peeled. When it's done, add a little bit of salt and pepper.
- Open the oven, take the bowl and burn your hands because you had forgot to wear oven gloves.
- Take the time to yell, scream and insult members of personnel, members of your family or fictional characters you don't like. You can even insult gods if you want, but this is only if you're really upset and I will not recommand that to everyone.
- (optional) Take a deep breath, go sit down on your chair or your couch, take the copy of Mezzanine and listen to it while you drink calmly your bottle of ice tea. Enjoy this moment. And after that, go back to your kitchen.
- Put your boiled meat in a gratin dish and spread it all over the bottom. Then, cover it with your puree and, after that, with grated cheese. When it's done, take the bowl in a grilling during 5 minutes to made the cheese broil. Serve immediately.
- (optional) Do a little victory dance while you're listen to the song Freeee (Ghost Town, Pt.2), by Kids See Ghosts.
And that's all ! Yeah, I admit that this is not something particularly surprising… but, hey, no one says that the life of a Foundation employee is obligated to be full of weird and bizarre things, even in our ordinary life. I still hope that you will appreciate it (I've already done that for people in Site-19 and it seemed successful) ! So, bon appétit !
P.S : To the two who had used the leftovers of the dish for things that I don't want to imagine and who had said to me, after that, having doing all this for "not being consumed", this is a really lame excuse.
dado is make good capitalism omelet by dado
hello yes is me, dado. u perhaps thought dado is not of knowing about special scp fountain book for taking, but aha! dado is sleuth you out. dado is now read of very many secrets for scp.
…
…
dado perhaps misunderstood. this is cook book, not took book. dado apologizes for this.
however, dado is also now of seeing that cooking book is missing very important and most critical of entries for creating delicious dado-brand breakfast. yes well fortunately for you dado is now have this book and also dado is have a pen so dado will now transcribe for you what is call "dado's good capitalism omelet by dado".
here is what for ingredients u gather for omelet:
- two egg of chicken
- 20 of $100 benjamins
- 1/2 of pound of gold leaf
- 2 quart oil
- 1 bar of steel, minced
- 1 box dvd for lord of ring, return of khan.
- 4 bottle of insulin, powdered
- salt of ocean and pepper (dado is have black pepper of cracking on-hand, so dado is use ghost pepper. probably same thing)
here now is how to make good capitalism omelet:
1) first of step is u must purchase lamburgerini. only cooking surface for dado-brand omelet is sport cart of italian.
2) get engine hot by pushing foot upon acceleration. if foot is tired this step can be passed off to hamster assistant.
3) now take large pan and set upon engine for heating. while pan is becoming of heated, now is time to preparings the mice on plazas.
4) take benjamins and put into blender. also put in oil and insulin. give a good chop until u have thick slurry consistency. very important for texture.
5) add minced steel to slurry and mix until steel is coat.
6) now take egg and cracking into hot pan. make sure not to take foot off gas or allow hamster to relieve. important that engine is staying hot.
7) ok so now u