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THE NEW YORK TIMES

28TH AMENDMENT RATIFIED

With the ratification of the Connecticut state legislature earlier today, the 28th Amendment to the Constitution (commonly referred to as the Post Mortem Amendment) of the United States of America has passed into effect. In full, the new Amendment reads as follows:

Amendment XXVIII

Passed by Congress …, ratified ….

Note: A portion of Article III, section 1 of the Constitution was superseded by the 28th Amendment.

Section. 1.

Judges of the Supreme Court shall hold their Office during the Term of Forty Years, in good Behaviour, with the potential for reappointment at the end of a Term.

Section. 2.

No elected or appointed position is to have an indefinite length of service.

The 28th Amendment is the first Amendment to be ratified since 1992, and the first Amendment to have been proposed and entered into the Constitution

A statement from … , regarding the 28th Amendment, follows:

It is an undeniable fact that the world around us has changed since the Constitution was written. Some changes come gradually, and others are more abruptly. The end of death was one of these things. The Founding Fathers could have never dreamed of the world in which we live, and neither could we have before it happened. They knew of an absolute term limit, one which no longer applies to our society. It is simply logical to adapt to the changes we face and to make a government more sensible to reality.

HAROLD HOLT DISCOVERED ALIVE

In a surprising turn of events earlier today, former Prime Minister of Australia Harold Holt was discovered alive at the age of 112, wandering the streets of Canberra in a confused fugue state. Harold Holt previously disappeared in 1968 after a swimming accident and was presumed dead at the time.

However, Mr. Holt - who is now currently suffering from the symptoms of dementia - claims to have discovered an inexplicable ability to die around that time, and faked his own death in order to avoid media attention. The cause of Mr. Holt’s immortality, as with the cause of global immortality, remains unexplained. Mr. Holt is also unable to distinctly remember the cause of his immortality.

Mr. Holt further claims to have difficulties in remembering his location for the past fifty years, only recalling having been in a nursing facility of some kind. However, as a result of his dementia, he is unable to recall any specific details about the location of this facility, or why he was ejected from it after fifty years.

  • get a nice fancy newspapery font for the titles, spruce them up
  • work out a better line-height/font-size/spacing solution (png captures of the appropriate text?)
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