Setting: Cobwebs conquer every corner of the room. Candlelight blows out too soon and JONAH must settle with an uneasy rest on the matted floor. He has just fled the only home he has ever known. Meanwhile, atop the deck, a storm occurs. Roaring waves bombard the ship. Scared, some Sailors begin throwing cargo offboard while others pray to their heretical Gods. The CAPTAIN hammers JONAH's door.

How can you sleep? Get up! Get up!

Jonah: Huh, what?

Captain: You can sleep later if there is one. Have you not heard the thunderstorms in the sky?

Jonah: Yes, I have heard of the thunderstorms in the sky. From you. Just now.

Captain: Dear Abzu, Lord of the primeval seas, save me from this fool.

[Cue a derelict wood falling beside Jonah]

Captain: Close enough, Abzu. Now, hurry Jonah, to the deck. We need more hands to throw out the cargo.

[Cue to Jonah feigning tiredness]

Jonah: If we're going to die anyway, I'd rather do it from the comfiness of a haystack. Come here haystack, yes, be my companion for tonight.

[Cue to Jonah attempting to shape a hay pillow into a "woman." The Captain pulls Jonah up the stairs and through the doorways.]

Captain: How goes it?

[Cue to Sailor #1 shoveling cargo off the ship setpiece.]

Sailor #1: Grim, we just shoved off two sacks of gold, three barrels of rum, and five men named Steve1 into the water. The ship won't budge.

Captain: [He yells] Helmsman, how goes it?

[Helmsman falls to the ground, crying and pleading]

Helmsman: Oh Anu, here my cry! Damnit. Oh Enki, I beseech thee, quell this storm! Damnit. Oh Marduk, please tell me you're not a fluke.

[Cue to a crack of lightning. The Helmsman shrugs and throws out his false idols, hanging around his neck as trinkets.]

Helmsman: That's all of them, Captain.

Captain: Damned, Jonah, you better have a God for us, lest we confuse you for cargo like we did Steve.

[Cue to the Captain making a threatening gesture. Lightning lights the top of the mast. Fire crawls down the mast, ropes, and sails.]

Jonah: Hey Jehovah, cut that shit out. No means no, and I'm not returning your calls just so I can take a "paid" vacation to some foreign country called Nineveh with all manner of molestation and sin. They can fuck themselves.

Voice Above The Sky: Alright, you know what? No more mister nice-and-benevolent. Convert to me, all of you, then throw Jonah into the big fish.

[Cue to a big fish parking next to the ship. The Sailors and the Captain haul Jonah from where he stands and flings him overboard. They begin praying and singing hymns to the Lord]

Jonah: I hate you all!

[Cue to the clouds, storms, seas, and fog receding. A sunshine setpiece overhead.]

Act 2.

Pink, red walls pulsate around Jonah as he wakes up. His hand burns from accidentally touching acidic liquids that surround the small amount of land underneath him, made of small kidney stones and hardened barnacle. A bizarre emissary unto the Lord — fluttering countless wings, spinning screaming wheels — levitates above him. Dishes made of whale meat are prepared for him.

Jonah: Ahh, my head. Wait, where am I? What is this place?

[Cue to voice emanating out of the emissary]

Voice Inside The Whale: You are inside of a servant of mine.


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