Why the Fuck Not?

Khahrahk was sitting at home when it happened.

It was a warm summer day in the Darkness Below. Well, technically it was so cold that thoughs moved sluggishly and the concept of ice itself was freezing, but that counted as a warm summer day by the climate.

He took a breath, relaxing on the couch. He had the place to himself. A’tivik, A'nuht and A'zieb were at ballet practice, the other three were over in the Darkness Above, and A'hbbat was still over at the Foundation, doing… whatever 110-Montauk was. Could never get a straight answer out of them.

The point was, he had the place to himself all weekend. For the first time in millennia, Khahrahk could finally relax. Maybe he'd try some woodcutting, or meditation, or eating the flesh of newly-

Knock knock knock.

Goddammit. Seriously? He never got a moment to rest.

Knock knock knock.

"Alirght, alright, I'm coming. World's not ending anytime soon." Reluctantly, Khahrahk hoisted himself off the couch, shambling over to the door and wrenching it open.

"What the hell?"

It was everyone. Mekhane, Yaldaboath, the DEER, the Starfish… hell, even I was there, holding onto a bag of freshly toasted bread. For some unfathomable reason, everyone decided to ruin the one free weekend he had in ages.

"You better have a good reason for showing up here," he growled.

Everyone looked at each other. "So… you have no idea what's happening, then?" Mekhane queried.

Khahrahk frowned. "No. What's going on? A'hbbat give birth or something?"

"World's ending. Foundation decided to kill everyone for some reason," I explained, being held by Yaldaboath. "We thought it'd be fun to all come over and watch it at your place."

That was… interesting. Khahrahk always loved it when they started killing each other, even if he kind of wanted to be the one to burn everything down. It could be fun to watch.

But it was his weekend. He didn't plan on sharing it with-

THE DEER tilted his head, motioning to the swinging sixpacks dangling from his antlers. "We brought beer."

Well… maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Khahrahk opened the door, letting the gods file in so they could watch the world end.


Khahrahk took a seat next to the Starfish. Not by choice, god. He never got a long with the number-obsessed diety. He'd be over devouring virgins and demanding bloody sacrificres and the god would be making voreholes and tearing holes in reality.

Still, he invited him in. Should be at least somewhat nice. Khahrahk turned to it. "So, Starfish. Been a while, huh? How's the band going?"

The Starfish slowly turned to face him.

"FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE."

Khahrahk turned away. "Why do I even fucking bother."

Mekhane walked back into the room, carrying bowls of nachos and popcorn. Not that she ate junk food, or anything at all for that matter, but she tended to be nice like that. She passed the bowls out, then popped in two fresh pieces of bread for Me.

"Hey, where's He-Who-Made-Light and He-Who-Made-Dark, by the way?" Khahrahk asked as he scarfed down a clawed handful of popcorn.

"Grounded," repliec THE DEER.

"Grounded?"

"Grounded."

"Abraham's babbysitting Johnny so he couldn't make it either," Yaldaboath chimed in. "Cicada Jehovah's at a parent-teacher conference, I think."

"Well, they're missing out," I said. "Now everyone shut up and let's get watching, alright?"

Mekhane turned on the TV, opening right on a scene of 4290 dragging its way through Bejing.

"Wait, thought that guy was dead," Khahrahk pointed out. "Didn't he die of starvation like, a thousand years ago?"

Yaldaboath shook her head. "Nah, got resurrected by the zombie virus or whatever."

"Ugh, that thing. Pretty boring, honestly. Like they couldn't use anything more interesting then a zombie virus?"

"Hey, in their defence, when was the last time you saw anyone using it? At least they found something good to use it on."

"God, I always hated that guy," Mekhane said. "Always was whining about how he wanted more angel hearts to eat. Come on, be grateful for the hearts you have!"

"Yeah, they don't even give me anything good," THE DEER grumbled. "All I get is some idiot eating a baby in front of me evry couple of days. Which is fine, I guess… but you know, I'd prefer eating the baby myself."

"Always split the baby, that's my motto," Khahrahk said. "So, do we know why they're doing this? Anything I should watch to get cached up on?"

I shrugged. Or at least I tried to, I just popped up my toast. "Got no idea, really. The Foundation just woke up one day and decided to murder everyone."

"Which I have to say, I'm a little miffed about," Yaldaboath complained. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm all for nonbelivers and blasphemers being torn to shreds like the animals they are, but… kinda bummed out I didn't have more to do with the end of the world."

Mekhane placed a comforting hand on its shoulder. "Hey, cheer up. Sure you may not have brought about the end of days and ushered in the eschaton, but you've killed billions of people over the eons. That definitely counts for sure."

"Preaching to the choir, buddy." Khahrahk cracked open a Bud Light. "You know how much money I spent on a marketing firm for the whole 'Seven Seals, Seven Rings, Seven Brides for the Scarlet King?' Now I'm not even getting a final, high-stakes battle with a plucky protagonist everyone's grown to love over several tales."

"What a waste."

"Excuse me?"

THE DEER put down its beer for a moment. "Look Khahrahk, I love you and all, but…what exactly was your whole schitck anyways? Just a generic apocalypse? Mekhane and Yaldy have their whole frenemy bit, Starfish has his whole Antimemetics Division, I… okay, yeah, I don't really have much. I'm a toaster after all."

"Excuse me," I said, "I'll have you know I'm an Eldritch Horror-"

"When I find an eldritch horror who's speciality is making sunny side up eggs, maybe," THE DEER shot back. "Face it, I'm a toaster."

Khahrahk held up his hands. "Whaddya mean I don't have flair? I emerged from the Darkness Below at the beginnigns of time, I devoured my generic siblings. At the end of time I'm destinied to march upon the Tree of Knowledge and burn it to the ground-"

THE DEER waved him off. "Yes yes yes, we get it. You're super old and evil,blah blah blah. But that's not flair, that's standard doomsday stuff. When we really get down to your core, you''re nothing but a red crown and an uncomfortable amount of [DATA EXPUNGED]."

"Really, you wanna go there? All anyone remembers about you is the baby-eating! At least I have a proposal."

"Okay, both of you shut the fuck up," Mekhane interjected. "You're missing Ganzir getting splattered."

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