Xilas Gave Me This Title Because I Couldn’t Think of One
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Item #: SCP-963-J

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-963-J instances are to be contained on a case-by-case basis, derived from the protocols of their existing counterparts.

Description: SCP-963-J is a phenomenon which creates anomalies (designated SCP-963-J-1) greatly resembling existing recorded entries in the Foundation’s database, each possessing unique properties which differentiate them from their counterparts.

Addendum 1: SCP-963-J-1 Instances

Anomaly: SCP-529

SCP-963-J-1-A: The bottom half of a felis catus (common house cat).

Anomaly: SCP-682

SCP-963-J-1-B: A non-identifiable large reptile carcass composed of iron with laser cannons attached to the shoulder blades and torso.

Anomaly: SCP-1193

SCP-963-J-1-C: A human body approximately 33.53 meters tall propped against the cement underneath a borehole with its left arm buried within the wall.

Anomaly: SCP-2547

SCP-963-J-1-D: A Canis lupus Linnaeus (grey wolf) specimen, clothed in a men’s dress top and tie, capable of bipedal locomotion and speech.

Anomaly: SCP-3999

SCP-963-J-1-E: A [REDACTION | Brought to you by SCP-963-J-1-D XP]

Addendum 2: Interview Logs

The following are transcripts of interviews conducted between Dr. Jack Bright and the individual SCP-963-J-1 instances.

Interviewed: SCP-963-J-1-A

Interviewer: Dr. Bright

<Begin Log>

Dr. Bright: Uhhh, hi.

SCP-963-J-1-A: [flicks tail].

Dr. Bright: Ah, right.

<End Log>

Interviewed: SCP-963-J-1-B

Interviewer: Dr. Bright

<Begin Log>

Dr. Bright: Hello, I’m gonn-

SCP-963-J-1-B: I AM STRONG LIZARD WITH LAZERS I CAN KILL WEAK LIZARD

Dr. Bright: Okay… Um I wa-

SCP-963-J-1-B: I AM STRONG LIZAAAAAARD [starts shooting lasers]

Dr. Bright: [to mic] Next one.

<End Log>

Closing Statement: SCP-963-J-1-B’s laser rampage came to an end upon it knocking its head against the wall, going unconscious.

Interviewed: SCP-963-J-1-C

Interviewer: Dr. Bright

<Begin Log>

Dr. Bright: Um, hello. Who am I calling?

SCP-963-J-1-C: This is Randy’s Bakery, sweets and pastries galore. How can I help you today?

Dr. Bright: So that cake thing is literal. How are you?

SCP-963-J-1-C: May I help you?

Dr. Bright: Uh… I wanted to interview you.

SCP-963-J-1-C: Huh? It for Bakers Monthly?

Dr. Bright: No?

SCP-963-J-1-C: Oh, then goodbye. [line ends]

Dr. Bright: [Sighs] Welp, next one. It can’t be as frustrating as these have been so far.

<End Log>

Interviewed: SCP-963-J-1-D

Interviewer: Dr. Bright

Notes - Dr. Bright inhabited the body of a female D-Class at the time the interview took place.

<Begin Log>

Dr. Bright: Hello, I'm gonna be—

SCP-963-J-1-D: Woah, Woah, Woah, ma'am, that shirt is way too revealing.

Dr. Bright: Excuse me?

SCP-963-J-1-D walks to the corner of its enclosure.

SCP-963-J-1-D: That shirt is unbuttoned three down, when there should only be one unbuttoned. What if I succumbed to my natural male urges due to the provocative nature of your outfit? I would live in shame for the rest of my life!

**Dr. Bright: Uh… So I see. Well, I wouldn't want to upset you, so I'll be going for now.

SCP-963-J-1-D: Return when you don't carry the risk to ruin my purity!

<End Log>

Interviewed: SCP-963-J-1-E & POI-963-J-E

Interviewer: Dr. Bright

<Begin Log>

Dr. Bright: So, let me get this all sorted out. POI-963-J-E, like 3999, 963-J-1-E kinda just… haunts you, but less life ruining?

POI-963-J-E: I guess. It's not haunt, just direct and become the most annoying and difficult customers for me to deal with. Not sure what a "3999" is. Oh, and you can just call me Tallymark.

Dr. Bright: [laughs} Wait… are you serious? That's your name?

POI-963-J-E: Yeah… why?

**Dr. Bright: Just, never mind. Where do you work, anyway?

POI-963-J-E: Some grocery store. It seems me and stupid here got transported away from home cause most people I've seen are human. Stupid probably doesn't mind, different scenery for his antics to take place.

Dr. Bright: So, can I ta—

POI-963-J-E's cellphone rings, prompting it to remove it from its pocket.

POI-963-J-E: Hold on, I have to take this. It's probably Stupid. [answers call] Hello, ho— [pauses] No, we sell that. We've never sold dying baby carcasses. [pauses] I am the manager. [sighs] I've gotta handle this.

Dr. Bright: [shrugs] Uh, okay.

<End Log>

I am not doing this shit again. I thought we finished containing the evil lizards and giant limbs ten years ago.
— Jack Bright

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