You and what ragtag band of adventurers with humorously conflicting personalities who learn the true meaning of friendship?
rating: 0+x

Note: While SCP-XXXX-J is technically not a SCP, the O5 Council has decided to write this file anyways.

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur.

Item #: SCP-XXXX-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: As SCP-XXXX-J cannot be contained, the Foundation has decided to lean in on the whole theme. Imeddiatly, the following changes will be made across the Foundation.

  • All Foundation task forces and security personnel have been supplied matching bland grey uniforms with face concealing visors that double as metaphors on morality and individualism.
  • Researcher are encouraged to demean and harass those below them, and plot against those above them.
  • All sites will be redesigned to be as soulless and morally darfk as possible. Miscenallous spikes, lava and/or fire, and dragons should be used liberally.
  • Popcorn will no longer be permitted in breakroom microwaves.1
  • Omega-7 will be immediately reinstated, with as few safeguards against its inevitable failure and/or redemption arc as possible.

Description: SCP-XXXX-J is the Chaos Insurgency's new Black Ops squad, comprised of five ragtag individuals with humorously conflicting personalities that cause large amounts of internal strife. While they seem fated to fall apart in the face of adversity, they appear to have pushed past their subplot problems to save ruin the day and find the true meaning of friendship.

GOI-001-Black Audio Log: [Optional additional paragraphs]

Participants: Foundation Mole #1, Foundation Mole #2, Foundation Mole #3, Foundation Mole #5, Foundation Mole #6, Delta Command Heads 7-132


Delta Command #7: Well, that didn't work. So, that's uh, 456 to 13 for the Foundation? I have to admit, this hasn't really been going well.

Foundation Mole #1: Yes, I think so too. Maybe we should just give up. All in favor of disbanding the Chaos Insurgency, say aye?

Foundation Mole #2: Aye.

Foundation Mole #3: Aye.

Foundation Mole #4: I'm definitely not a secret Foundation mole, so aye.

Foundation Mole #5: Same here, aye.

Foundation Mole #6: Aye.

Delta Command #9: Well before we do that, I have an idea we might wanna try.

Delta Command #7: Alright, let's hear it. Anyone want pizza? Cal, wanna order a few?

Foundation Mole #4: Sure, because I'm definitely not a Foundation mole, I will order the pizza.

Delta Command #7: Yes, yes, we know. Delta-9, what was your idea?

Delta Command-9: Well, I think no one here has any illusions about, um… you know what, I'm just gonna say it: we suck.

[General murmurs of disapproval are heard, along with the denial of being a Foundation mole.]

Delta Command-9: I mean, look at the Foundation. They've got dozens of Thaumiel class anomalies, high tech paragear, even have a task force of immortal cyborg demigods. And we've got what, a semi-interesting motto?

Delta Command-11: Hey, we've also got the Engineer. And an anomalous Engine that, uh… does something. I think. Wait, has anyone ever seen the engine?

Delta Command-13: I asked the engineer about it once. He just mumbled something about it being in Canada, but being really real, and then hid underneath his desk till I left.

Delta Command 9: Let's face it, compared to the Foundation, we suck. Hell, even compared to the UIU, we're a bit less than average. But that can be a good thing.

Delta Command-7: …How?

Delta Command-9: Well, I've-

[The doorbell rings.]

Delivery Girl: Uh, I've got two extra-large Spicy Crust Pizzas for the Chaos Insurgency?

Delta Command-4: Door's unlocked, right in here, Emily- uh, pizza guy who's name I definitely wouldn't know. I'm not a mole, after all.

Foundation Alpha-1 member Emily Tran sets down the pizzas on the meeting table.]

Delta Command-12: Thank god, I'm starving- wait a minute. Hey, pizza girl! Think you forgot your phone in here.

Delta Command-12 hands the twelve pound Foundation surveillance device implanted in the pizza back to Tran.

Tran: …Right. Uh, I'll be leaving now.

Delta Command-9 Huh, weird phone. Anyways, what I was gonna propose was, we lean into our underdog status. I mean, how many stories have you heard about the underdogs beating the big faceless organization against all odds?

Delta Command 13: Hmm. So, what would be the plan? Sending a single task force to take down the entire Foundation? Even if our world relied on that sort of terrible, hackneyed writing-

[Everyone in the room sneezes.]

Delta Command 13: Gesundheit. But even if that would work, we're the Chaos Insurgency. That's not a name for a group of loveable misfits, that's one for anarchists at best, terrorists at worst.

Delta Command-9: Yeah, but the Foundation. Listen to that, does that sound heroic? I'm not saying it'll be simple as that, but the odds are in our favor. We'll have to do some rebranding, hire a few PR experts, maybe phase out the puppy kicking and orphan robbing-

[Complaints arise from those assembled.]

Delta Command-9: Look, guys. We can either continue sitting around in crappy motels, ordering pizza from what I just realized was probably a Foundation front. Or we can actually achieve something in life, apart from that time we stole their credit card information. All in favor?

The Foundation moles vote no, the others vote yes.

XXXX-J: Excerpts of GOI-001-Black Strike Force "The Real Treasure Was The Friends We Made Along The Way" Missions

Mission Number/Order Enemy Summarization Intelligence gained
S1E1 Church of the Broken God While on a mission against a squadron of mechnaically augmented soldiers, Olivia and Adam begin to bicker on the proper way to proceed. Olivia wants to use an artistic memetic hazard designed to work with mechanically augmented brains, while Adam insists on EMP explosives. Unable to resolve it, the group splits up to carry out both plans, which they both find are too weak to disable the soldiers. The two groups flee back to the hidden base, where they run into each other. Earning they have insufficent resources to duplicate either attack, Adam and Olivia combine their resources, disabling the mekhanites in the nick of time. Adam and Olivia promise to consider each other's points of view in the future.
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